My Brothers Soul
by FiliandKili'sGirl18
Summary: Kili has always felt like a disappointment to his family, and has been reduced to taking it out on himself. Fili has always assumed his brother was happy and content. But when things come to a head one day, Fili see's how bad things have gotten and he wonders if he is such a good brother after all. (Pre -Quest) AN: I don't own Tolkeins characters
1. More Than Words

_**AN: So this is just a short story about everyone's favourite Durin boys. And yes I'm going to say right now the feels are going to be IMMENSE. Also I'm warning people now this story does contain stuff about depression and self - harm. So if anyone thinks this might be a trigger I'm letting you know now.**_

More Than Words

 _Half breed_

 _Elf spawn_

 _Mongrel_

 _Bastard_

Kili shook his head, trying to push the words from his mind. Every day he told himself that they were just words. They didn't mean anything and they certainly weren't true. At least that's what Fili always said. For the past few decades Fili had always been the one to comfort his crying brother. Every time Kili had let the words hurt him it had always been Fili to dry his eyes and make him see that the words would only mean something if he let them affect him. Pulling his thick coat around him Kili made sure he kept his head down as he made his way through the narrow streets of Ered Luin. This was done for two reasons. One: He was the nephew of Thorin Oakenshield and as such he was far from unrecognisable. Two: He didn't want any of the idiots who usually tormented him to do so today. Not that he was ever in the mood for such words, today he was far from it.

 _Half breed_

 _Elf spawn_

 _Mongrel_

 _Bastard_

It was the last word that always hurt him the most. They all meant the same thing but 'bastard' made it sound official. It made it sound true. Not to mention that it was the biggest insult to give a dwarf. Gripping his sword hilt Kili bit his lip. He cursed himself for being so pathetic that he allowed the words to affect him. Fili had always told him that the words would only hurt if he allowed them to do so. But Fili wasn't the one being told they were a bastard. He had no idea what it was like to hear such words. If Kili knew his family loved him then it wouldn't be so bad. He'd be able to comfort himself in the fact that it was only a few ignorant people who thought such things. He knew Fili didn't believe them for a second. But Thorin? Thorin might not believe that Kili's father was an elf but Kili couldn't think of another reason for the way Thorin treated him. He was always treated like an outsider and Kili had often seen his uncle looking at him with disapproval every time he got his bow out. Kili sighed. He couldn't help it that he couldn't lift an axe. He had never planned on being born a month early in the middle of winter. He never planned on being so weak and small his survival chances were low. He just wanted to be treated the way Fili was treated. With pride and love.

A few people called out to him as he passed. Not to make comments but just to say hello or ask how he was. Lowering his head Kili ignored them. He didn't want to talk to anyone today. He had just wanted to spend time with Fili. He knew he had to tell his brother what had been going on. Fili knew that people often bullied Kili. But he didn't know the truth of it. Kili only ever spoke about what he couldn't hide. And even then he made every effort not to let his brother see the bruises on his body. The scars on his arms and sides. Pulling his coat around him, Kili only looked up when he realised he was now outside the gates of Ered Luin and heading towards the huge forest that surrounded it. Sometime she often forgot dwarves lived in mountains. Although his home was the Blue Mountains the mountains themselves weren't actually his home. Instead the dwarves of Erebor had been forced to build their homes outside the mountain as it was too dangerous to do otherwise. Kili didn't really care. He liked the outdoors. He liked the fact that he could look up and see the sky. Hear the birds in the trees. One hand patted his pocket on the inside of his coat. Yet another reason people sought to make his life a misery. How could he be a proper dwarf if he liked living near trees? Keeping his head down Kili hurried through the forest until he found what he was looking for. To most dwarves the trees all looked to the same. But Kili had been out here long enough to know the difference between them. He knew which an Oak tree was and which an Ash tree was.

Kili came to a halt as he reached what was easily the biggest Oak tree in the whole forest. Rubbing his hands together he reached up and grabbed hold of the lowest branch and pulled himself up. It didn't take Kili long to reach halfway. If he had wanted to he could have gone all the way to the top. But he didn't need to. Sitting down on a thick branch Kili rested his back against the trunk and sighed. Up here it was far more peaceful. He didn't have to think about anything if he didn't want to.

 _Half breed_

 _Elf spawn_

 _Mongrel_

 _Bastard_

Shaking his head Kili reached into his pocket and brought out his notebook. He hadn't told anyone about this. Not even Fili. Although Kili had a feeling his brother knew about it given the amount of times he'd accidently left it lying around. He'd often walked in to see Fili looking at it. One time he'd even had it in his hand. That had been the only time Kili had yelled at his brother.

* * *

" _Give that back!" Kili clenched his fists. Fili frowned at the sudden anger in his voice. However he simply placed the notebook back on the bed and stepped away with his hands in the air. Kili hurried towards it and shoved it in his coat pocket. He wanted to see if Fili had looked through it at all. But he knew his brother would never do that to him._

" _I haven't been snooping Kee," Fili sounded hurt at the idea that Kili would accuse him of that. Lowering his head Kili bit his lip. He hadn't meant to get so mad at Fili. He'd just seen him holding the notebook and he'd flipped. He didn't want Fili to see what was inside. Not only would his brother probably laugh at him for his failed attempts at poetry but he couldn't have Fili know how unhappy he really was. If Fili knew the truth..?_

" _Just…just don't touch it alright! It's mine!" He sounded like a pouting child and he hated it. Fili nodded and Kili could see the irritation in his eyes._

" _Fine Kili. I don't care anyway. It's your notebook."_

 _Fili pushed past him roughly and into the corridor. Kili shut his eyes. He didn't like fighting with Fili. He was the only one who Kili could bear being with. Fili was his brother after all._

* * *

Opening his eyes Kili flicked through the notebook. Along with some lines of poems he'd filled some of the pages with drawings. He wasn't exactly a great master of art. But he got bored far easier than Fili did and when he was younger his mother would give him some paper and a pencil and leave him too it. Within a few years Kili had managed to develop some sort of skill. A hollow laugh came from his throat; yet another thing that marked him out as a failure. He was a prince by rights. Princes were supposed to fight battles and rule kingdoms. Not sit around writing poems and drawing pictures. Kili looked down at the most recent page of his notebook.

"Standing there so quietly,

A stone cold figure in solitary.

You cannot see the decaying stone."

"Very cheerful." Kili muttered. He'd written it last week after the argument with Fili. Tapping the pen against his forehead he scribbled hurriedly. They weren't perfect but at least they were something.

"Instead I am just left alone, to be forgotten.

The irreparable damage making me lost and broken."

He'd had the idea of writing poetry as a way to explain how he felt inside. Kili found it hard to keep silent, but talking about his deepest feelings was something he just couldn't do. He was scared of what people would say to him. That they would patronise him and pity him. He didn't want that.

He just wanted to be happy again.

 _ **Aww poor Kili! One chapter in and I want to hug him to death already! In case you're worrying this isn't going to have a sad ending. I can't bring myself to do them, especially not with these two so just sit tight and things will get better in time. Also the poem Kili writes is one I did myself (hence why it's not the greatest) Let me know what you all think xx**_


	2. Misery

_**Big thanks to Celebrisilweth, DeLacus, JakePaulFan2012, JustAnotherGirl94, Marg1780, Meryem Schenyder, Mollyjean, Nigredo-Alchemist, Silhouettes of Starlight, emmakmc, firefoxxe, freedombutterfly, ktime27, marta madzia, MissKim2b and Wraven for following/favouriting. Plus a big big thanks to firefoxxe for giving me some great ideas for later chapters! Really appreciate it!**_

 _ **Celebrisilweth – This is a very feels filled story I should warn you now.**_

 _ **LisaG16 – Don't worry this isn't going to be one of those short stories with an ambiguous ending.**_

 _ **Nigredo-Alchemist – Happy you are enjoying it.**_

 _ **AN: Okay this chapter does involve actual self-harm. So if anyone feels this could be a trigger or they are uncomfortable then I'd recommend skipping the very last scene.**_

Misery

 _One week later_

When Fili dropped a huge pile of books right beside Kili he jumped and let out a small scream. Smoothing his face out Kili looked up at his brother. Fili patted the pile of books before moving towards their bedroom door and locking it. At this Kili instantly pulled his shirt down. He knew his skin wasn't on show, but it had turned into a habit of his. As Fili pulled a chair over Kili kept his gaze down on his work. He knew what Fili would want and right now that conversation was the last thing on his mind.

"Kili, we need to talk."

Even though he knew his brother wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer, Kili tried to think up of an excuse.

"Not now Fili."

"Yes now!"

"I'm studying." He knew it was the wrong thing to say. Fili knew how much he hated having to study. Kili mentally kicked himself. What better way than to advertise he was trying to avoid this conversation. Fili snorted.

"Now I know something's wrong with you if you'd rather study than talk to me."

Kili opened his mouth in protest when Fili reached over and grabbed his books; pulling the over to his side of the table. Looking up Kili was shocked at the sadness in Fili's eyes. He had never seen his brother look so worried. Fili took his hand.

"Kili what is it?"

"I don't know what you mean Fili." The words rolled off Kili's lips easily. Fili rolled his eyes; tightening his grip on Kili's hand.

"Come on Kee! I know something's bothering you. You barely speak! You hardly eat! You lock yourself in your room! What's wrong _nadadith?"_

At the sorrow in his brother voice Kili was half tempted to tell him. He knew Fili would find out what he was doing one day. But he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't want Fili to see how weak he had been. How easily he had let it all affect him. Pulling his hands away he ignored the hurt in Fili's eyes.

"Fee I'm fine. I've just been tired recently."

Fili shook his head, "We used to tell each other everything! Now you barely say two words to me! Kili please, just tell me what's wrong. I want to help you!"

Kili could feel himself shaking his head. Fili wouldn't be able to help him. Fili would just make him feel worse. He would show how weak Kili had been to not be able to deal with the words himself. Brushing himself down Kili blinked back his tears. All he wanted was to be a child again. He wanted to run to his big brother who would swing him round and promise that everything was going to be alright.

"Fili I'm fine okay."

Fili nodded. But Kili knew his brother didn't believe him. Fili was halfway to the door when he turned back.

"Kee…I know I haven't been there for you recently. I've had extra studying to do and… The point is if you need me, no matter what, just find me. You know I'll always be there for you Kili." Kili gave a curt nod in response. Fili looked like he wanted to say more. But instead he simply bowed his head and left. Leaving Kili close to tears.

 _Half breed_

 _Elf spawn_

 _Mongrel_

 _Bastard_

* * *

Fili could feel himself grinding his teeth as Thorin paced up and down in his room. He knew his uncle wouldn't take the problem with Kili seriously. He would just assume his youngest nephew was exaggerating or attention seeking. And, if he was being completely honest, Fili had been exactly the same at first. He knew there were dwarves who teased his younger brother – he had fought them off enough times. But he hadn't heard of anything happening recently and he had assumed Kili was just trying to get people attention.

But then he had stopped talking. He barely ate at dinner and it was rare to see him out of his room when he didn't have to study or practise his fighting.

And it had been two months since he had gone near his bow.

That had been the thing that had told Fili something was wrong with his brother. Kili loved archery more than anything else. No matter what was wrong he would always use his skill with a bow to make him feel better. If he wasn't even doing that..?

Shaking his head Fili looked over at his uncle. Thorin was sitting in his chair by the fire. He held his pipe in one hand and – without waiting for an invitation – Fili sat down in the chair opposite.

"Thorin I need to talk to you. It's about Kili."

"What has he done this time?"

At the annoyance in Thorin's voice Fili clenched his fists. Why did Thorin always have to assume Kili had done something wrong? Thorin lived with them; surely he had noticed how upset Kili was?

"He hasn't done anything. I'm worried about him."

"Fili not this again," Thorin looked over, "I thought we talked about this already?"

Fili nodded, "I know. But I think…I think it's more serious than we thought. Uncle he isn't eating and he can barely bring himself to look at me!"

"Fili…"

"He hasn't picked up his bow in months!"

That got Thorins attention. He blinked at Fili before resting his pipe on his knee,

"Is that true?"

Fili nodded, "I've offered to go with him. I even asked him to teach me. He just refused or would ignore me. I've tried asking him what's wrong but he won't tell me. He's losing so much weight and I don't think he's sleeping!"

As hysteria crept into Fili's voice Thorin leaned over and rubbed his hands with a grim smile.

"What would you have me do Fili?"

"Talk to him. Get him to tell you what's upset him!"

Thorin rubbed his temples and Fili had to force back his tears. He didn't want to start crying over this. But he was Kili's older brother. It was his duty to make sure Kili was okay. He couldn't bear the idea of failing him. Thorin looked over at him.

"I can't force him to talk if he doesn't want to."

"You have to do something uncle!"

Thorin nodded, "I know that nephew. But this is something Kili has to do when he is ready. Whatever is upsetting him is clearly more than a matter of minor bullying," he smiled at Fili,

"Take him out for the day. Make him feel happy and comfortable. Try and coax the information out of him. Even if he only tells you a small percent of what's going on. It'll be better than nothing."

"What if that doesn't work?"

"In which case," as Thorin got up Fili did the same, "I'll talk to him myself. And I won't let him leave until he tells me everything."

* * *

Kili kept glancing at the door every few seconds. Ever since Fili had left he had waited with baited breath for his brother to march back in. And he couldn't afford for Fili to see this. If his brother saw what he had done to himself then Kili knew he'd be forced to explain himself. Explain how weak he was. How he was a failure to the line of Durin. Pushing his hair from his face Kili took a deep breath before pulling his shirt over his head. As he took in his lanky body he bit his lip. Muscle was starting to form on his torso although he still looked like a child. But then maybe that was down to the weight he had lost. His hip bones stuck out dramatically and Kili could count his ribs with ease. Running a finger down one side he shuddered as he came to his scars. Thin red lines that started half way up each side before running down to his hips and his thighs. Taking the knife he bit his lip, placing it against the underside of his arm. Several scars were there already and it was that which relaxed Kili. He had done this before. He knew what to do. Gently running the knife across his skin he hissed as a small stab of pain shot through his arm. Kili knew it would be temporary and he didn't cry out.

As his ear pricked to the sound of footsteps he shoved the knife in the top drawer of his bedside table and grabbed his shirt – falling flat on his face in the rush. Pulling it over his head and down his body he looked up to see Fili standing in the doorway. Kili waited; had he done it in time? Had Fili seen anything?

"Kili? What happened?"

Kili looked down at the floor that he was still lying on. Getting to his feet he attempted a casual shrug,

"I tripped and fell."

Fili gave him a good-natured head shake, "How are you feeling brother?"

Kili nodded, "I'm okay Fili."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

 _ **Poor Kili! Things are going to get even worse next chapter. Kinda of a filler but I want to develop a few things first. As for Thorin I know it seems like he doesn't care about Kili but don't hate on him. Let me know what you all think xx**_


	3. I'm A Loser

_**Big thanks to Laora, Lucaila MSU82, hobbit199, moszi, and Hayyah2000 for following/favouriting.**_

 _ **JustAnotherGirl94 – Aww thanks. Was worried it would be a bit similar to others at places but thanks/**_

 _ **Celebrisilweth – Thing will eventually get better…just might take some tme.**_

 _ **Savarra – I'm sending Kili big big hugs right now.**_

 _ **KHB123 – Things aren't going to get better after this chapter either**_

 _ **EdhelwenOnieta – Thanks however he's not actually half elf. It's just a rumour people spread, sorry if I wasn't clear enough.**_

I'm A Loser

Kili kept his hair over his face as he walked. Sneaking out had been easy. All he'd had to do was jump out of the window. Pulling his coat around him he looked up. If he couldn't go to the forest he loved walking around the back streets of Ered Luin. They were quiet and peaceful. Kili could wander them for hours and not meet a single person.

Just how he liked it.

But at the same time the only thing he wanted was for Fili to put his arms around him and hug him. Kili had wanted that so much recently but he had stopped himself from asking. He was fifty years old. Too old to want hugs from his big brother anymore. Coming to a stop Kili leant against the wall of a house and shut his eyes. He couldn't explain all of this to Fili. His brother would never be able to understand how he had been feeling; how he still felt. He would get the wrong idea and assume Kili was doing it for attention. And in many ways Fili would be right. Kili did want attention. He wanted to know that people loved him just as much as Fili. That they cared about him enough to make him love himself. He wanted to know that Fili wasn't ashamed of him.

"Oi!"

Kili opened his eyes and looked down the back street. Two dwarfs blocked his way. Kili shook his head as they advanced on him. He knew exactly who these two were.

"Go away," he clenched his fists. The two dwarfs leered at him. Kili shook his head.

"Leave me alone! For one day can you just leave me alone!"

Both dwarves were the same height as Kili but were far broader. Both had long brown hair and thick beards. One drew out a knife and Kili tensed.

"Herrack..?"

Herrack cocked his head to one side before turning to his brother. As they advanced on him Kili thought about running back the other way. He could outdistance them easily and he knew he only had to run so far before they gave up. But running away was what he had just done. Standing up to his full height Kili reached for his knife. As his fingers grasped the empty hilt he cursed under his breath. He hadn't thought to take any of his weapons with him when he went out. Before he could turn and run, Herrack nodded to the other dwarf who grabbed him and pinned him against the wall. Kili gasped as a knife was dug into his neck.

"Cerrack let me go!"

Every time Kili spoke he could feel the blade scratching at his neck. His arms hung limply by his sides. Why was he letting this happen? Why wasn't he fighting back? If Fili was in his shoes these three would be on the floor by now. Cerrack removed the knife whilst Herrack grabbed a fistful of Kili's hair.

"Half breed." He spat. Cerrack nodded.

"Elf spawn."

"Mongrel."

Bastard."

Kili tried to ignore the words even though they were being spat right in his face. He kicked out but as Herrack lifted him off his feet he knew it was useless.

"Get off me!" Kili squirmed but Cerrack laughed as Herrack pulled hard on Kili's hair.

"Your uncle might be our king. But we don't bow down to the sons of tree shaggers."

Kili bit his lip, "My father was NOT AN ELF!"

Herrack shook his head, "Can you prove that? Your so called brother's father died just after you were born. How can you prove you two are even related?"

Kili gulped. He was Fili's brother. He knew he was. Herrack shook his roughly.

"We've got the same mother…and father." He hurriedly added. Herrack let go of him and when Kili fell to the ground he found himself unable to get up as both brothers leaned over him. Cerrack tutted.

"See, we don't think you do. It's clear one of your parents was a dwarf. But Dis would never sully herself with an elf. But there's plenty here who might."

"Shut up."

"I reckon," Herrack carried on, "You're real mother didn't want you. You were born so early she hoped that would be enough to kill you. When it didn't she left you for the wolves. Only Dis found you and took you in. Raised you as her own."

"Shut up!"

"Do you think Fili knows the truth?" Cerrack looked at Herrack, who shrugged,

"I doubt it. He'd have told him if he did. Unless he thought Kili didn't deserve to know the truth."

"I said, SHUT UP!" Getting to his feet Kili shoved Herrack before rounding on Cerrack. However, the other dwarf pulled out a huge carving knife and pinned him against the wall. Herrack wiped the blood from his lip before holding Kili down.

"Let's get a look at these elf ears shall we? One last look before they come off?"

Cerrack pushed Kili's hair away before placing the knife against his ear. Kili lashed out furiously.

"No! Let me go! Let me GO!"

Cerrack tapped his face with the knife, "Maybe we're being too nice. Without his elf ears he'll start to think he's an actual dwarf."

Herrack nodded and as the knife vanished Kili let out the breath he had been holding. Both brothers let him go. As Cerrack moved away, Herrack tapped his cheek.

"But he must be punished mustn't' he brother?"

Cerrack nodded, "Of course. And who else better to teach him what a waste of life he is?"

Kili opened his mouth when Herrack slammed his fist into his stomach. Doubling over Kili fell to his knees – trying to take gasping breaths. When a boot connected with his back he fell forward, crying out as his palms were grazed open from the dirt. Boots began hitting him from all directions: his stomach, his back and sides. Kili lashed out but he was rewarded with a punch to the face. As his nose broke Kili could feel the blood cover his face. Looking up he saw Herrack grin at him. Kili tried to grab his boot. If he could pull him over he would have more of a chance. But as he did so Cerrack stepped down on his wrist. Kili screamed as he heard his bones break and he found himself unable to move as they began rooting through his pockets. As Cerrack pulled his notebook out Kili shook his head.

"Give…that…back!"

Herrack shook his head as he took it from his brother and began flicking through it. Shutting his eyes Kili tried to block out their cruel laughs. Herrack tapped his face with the toe of his boot.

"One word of advice Kili. Go and kill yourself. You'll do us all a favour. Especially your brother. He must hate the fact he's related to something as shameful as you."

Kili curled into a ball, rocking himself back and forth as tears streamed down his face. His notebook was chucked by his face as the few coins he had were removed. Herrack gave him a gentle kick in the stomach whilst Cerrack's boot came down hard on Kili's face. Tears fell from his eyes as he looked up to see the pair running off. With his uninjured wrist he grabbed his notebook and slid it inside the first pocket he could fine. Resting his head on the ground Kili sniffed.

He was a failure. He was a failure to his family and the line of Durin. And this was his punishment for it. Licking his swollen lips Kili tried to curl into a ball. But as he moved pain spasm in his legs and he gave up with a hollow laugh. He couldn't even do that right. Pain began to move around his body and he knew he'd have a splitting headache when he woke up tomorrow. Forcing himself to his feet he pushed his matted hair from his face and limped off to the direction of Oin's infirmary.

 _ **Oh no! Poor Kili! Has he been finally pushed over the edge? Let me know your thoughts and feel free to be abusive to those two sons of bitches xx**_


	4. I Can't Fight This Feeling

_**Big thanks to Inavia, Neve W, hanatsuki14, EdhelwenOnieta, Gray Maka, clarethornton, ktime27 for following/favouriting.**_

 _ **Marta madzia – Glad to be of service (takes smug bow)**_

 _ **Emmakmc – That might be an understatement!**_

 _ **Meryem Schneyder – Thanks!**_

 _ **KHB123 – Don't worry they will get their comeuppance at some point. And yeah I wouldn't be too hard on the family at the moment.**_

 _ **JustAnotherGirl94 – I am now intrigued about your fic! And thanks!**_

 _ **EdhelwenOnieta – Same! My friend asked me to pick between them and I was just like "you might want to leave now!"**_

I Can't Fight This Feeling

Kili bit his lip as he stared at himself in the mirror. The bruises had almost faded from his attack and you could only tell his nose was broken if you looked closely. The second he had walked through the door he had been bombarded with questions. Dis had hugged him so hard Kili swore he had bruises on his bruises. Fili looked ready to murder someone whilst Thorin kept on asking him who it was. Kili knew it had been a perfect chance to explain things to them. To say what had been happening to him. But he knew he couldn't. He didn't want to see the shame and disappointment on their faces. So he had explained he had been mugged and had never seen their faces before shutting himself in his room.

Re-braiding his hair Kili took a deep breath. This couldn't go on. Every time he stepped out of his front door he knew he wouldn't get back home without having some sort of insult thrown his way.

" _Do everyone a favour and kill yourself!"_

Kili blinked back his tears. Maybe Herrack had been right. No one in his family noticed him half the time. He highly doubted he would ever be missed by them. If anything they would thank him. Thank him for finally doing the one thing they all knew they should have done a long time ago.

Kili brushed down his clothes. They were his favourites. A thick blue tunic and his new leather coat trimmed with fur. Fili had brought it for him a couple of years ago. If he was going to do this then he would do it in style.

"Kili?"

At Fili's voice Kili jumped. As his brother came in he hurriedly blinked back the last of his tears. Fili gave him a wan smile.

"How do you feel Kee?"

"Everything aches," Kili admitted, "But I'm fine."

Fili nodded, "Do you…can you remember who it was?"

Kili shook his head and Fili sighed, "Well if you do come and tell me. I'll personally see to it that they pay for what they did."

Kili nodded silently. Fili shuffled his feet.

"Kili you can't stay in here all day!"

 _I can_ Kili thought. But he didn't dare voice it. He knew how childish it would make him sound. Fili placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Come to the Durin's Day festival with me. Mother and Thorin have already gone down."

Kili shook his head. Fili gently squeezed his shoulder.

"Come on Kili. They'll be food and ale. It might make you feel better if you're among friends."

Kili sighed. He was half tempted to go. At least then he would give Fili one last happy memory of him. His brother deserved that much at least. But the more he thought about it the more he knew he couldn't. If he went then he wouldn't be able to go through with it. And he would just sit back and allow the abuse to build and build.

He couldn't let that happen.

Placing a hand on his stomach Kili shook his head.

"No thanks Fili. I don't feel very well to be honest."

Fili nodded, "Do you want me to stay with you?"

Kili shook his head a little too vigorously. Fili bit his lip.

"At least let me get you a drink. You've gone so pale Kee."

As his brother left Kili played along. Lying down on the bed he curled up into a ball. He only had to wait a few more minutes for Fili to leave and then he could get on with it. His brother placed a glass of water by his bed.

"I'll only be a few hours Kili."

Kili nodded. He didn't dare move until he knew Fili had left the house. As he heard the door slam shut he got out of bed and hurried over to his desk. He had no idea when Fili and the others would come home. But he needed it to be done long before then. Grabbing several sheets of paper Kili picked up a pen and tapped it against his nose. In doing so he winced and put the pen down. Now the moment was here he had no idea how to start. Biting his lip he shut his eyes and took a deep breath – letting the words form in his head – before putting pen to paper.

 _Dear Thorin._

 _Sorry im such a disappointment to you. All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me. I didn't even mind that you loved Fili more than me. If you were proud of me then I would have still been happy. The day I realised I wouldn't be able to wield an axe broke my heart. Because then I knew you'd finally see me for the failure that I am. I think back to the night I was born and I hate myself for it. I almost killed your sister, my mother, and I don't blame you for hating me for it._

 _But you'll still have Fili. He'll make you proud, I know he will. He'll do what I couldn't do and be a great heir and an even greater king. When he comes back and finds me gone just tell him not to cry over me. In fact, tell yourselves not to cry – even though I know you won't. Just forget that I ever existed. Move on with your lives and wipe me from your memories._

 _I'm sorry that I was worth the trouble of being kept alive - premature and weak in the middle of winter. I wish you would have just snapped my neck the minute I was born. I know you all wanted that to happen. Well now I'm going to do it for you. I'm finally going to do something that makes you proud of me. Something that makes you all happy._

 _Kili_

Kili gently folded up the letter before sliding it into an envelope. Scribbling Thorin's name on it he then moved onto the next one. This one was a lot shorter.

 _Mother._

 _Sorry for being born so early. I never planned it to happen and I wish that I had died that night. Then at least you wouldn't have to put up with a failure of a son._

 _I'm sorry I made you cry tonight when you got home and sorry you had to find out this way._

 _Love you_

 _Kili_

Putting it into a new envelope Kili wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. There was plenty more he wanted to say to his mother. But he didn't have time for it all. He had to get this business done before someone came back and tried to stop him. Pulling the last sheet of paper towards him he shook his head. He had left Fili's til the end because he knew this one was going to be the hardest to write. Every word he scribbled down tore through him. But he forced himself through it. All it was, was a mix of his letter to Thorin and his letter to his Mother. He hoped it explained things to Fili. He hoped it would make his brother realise how much Kili despised himself for bringing shame to the family.

"I love you Fee."

Sealing up Fili's envelope Kili forced himself to his feet. He clutched the envelopes to his chest tightly as he hurried from his room and towards the kitchen. The table sat in the middle, not yet set for dinner. Placing the letters on a chair Kili hurried to and fro, bringing plates and cutlery and setting them down. The least he could do was help his mother out. It was his turn today after all. Wiping his hands he set the letters at their designated spaces. Nodding he grabbed his pack from the corner of the kitchen. Rooting around inside he ran the list through his mind. Satisfied he had everything he slung it over his shoulder and hurried towards the door.

Even though he knew he should just get it over with, Kili didn't want to do it here. He wanted to be somewhere that had happy memories for him.

And there was only one place like that.

 _ **THE FEELS! POOR POOR KILI! Don't worry I promise this story will have a happy ending. Also we will see what was in Fili's letter but just to make things worse I want it to be revealed as he reads it himself! Let me know what you think xx**_


	5. Run Don't Walk

_**Over 1,400 views! Big thanks to all the support I've been given. Big thanks to Amilasse, EmerwenVoridune, PhoenixUniverse, acciojd, xx sweetie93 xx, MariaM95 and TBirdExperience for following/favouriting.**_

 _ **EdhelwenOnieta – Glad you like it.**_

 _ **Marta madzia – Yeah the ending of this is just as bad I'm afraid.**_

 _ **Inavia – Don't worry. I'm sending Kili hugs from all of you!**_

 _ **Firefoxxe – Trust me, there will be a happy ending I swear.**_

 _ **Celebrisilweth –**_

 _ **JustAnotherGirl94 – Glad you are enjoying it so much.**_

 _ **Spiritus Scriptor – Yeah I wanted to do this for two reasons. One it would make it different from other Kili angst fics, plus it kinda annoys me how people treat self harm as taboo so I wanted to write about it. To be honest I'll take any reviews. If you have advice for me on my writing then just throw it at me because I'm doing this to get better at writing. The whole "getting weaker inner torment thing" IS getting looked at in this chapter.**_

Run Don't Walk

Although he was enjoying himself, Fili couldn't shake the worrying feeling from his stomach. He'd only left Kili an hour ago but something in his brain was telling him he had to go back. That Kili needed him before it was too late. Downing his last mug of ale he got to his feet and pushed his way through the crowd of people. Nearly everyone had turned out for the celebrations and it wouldn't surprise Fili to see most of them here in ten hours' time. But none of that mattered to him. He just had to make sure Kili was alright. Even if he got there and found his brother sleeping. Fili just needed to put himself at ease.

"Fili? Where are you going?"

Thorin drew him to a quieter part of the market square and Fili shook his head.

"I'm going to check on Kili. I think…I've got this feeling something's happened to him."

Thorin raised an eyebrow, "Fili I…"

"I'm sure of it Thorin!" Fili didn't know how else to explain it. Thorin didn't understand the bond he and Kili shared. If one of them was in trouble the other would sense it. And right now Fili knew something was badly wrong with Kili. He freed himself from Thorin.

"I just want to make sure he's alright. If he is then he is but I need to be sure."

Thorin nodded before patting him on the shoulder.

"I'll come with you Fili. I could do with a glass of water anyway."

With a grateful nod Fili began making his way through the streets towards his home. As he and Thorin walked, plenty of people came up to say hello and to with them a happy new year. Under any other circumstance Fili would have stopped to talk. But as he got closer to home he could sense the feeling getting worse. As it moved towards his chest his bond to Kili hummed gently. As the house came into view Fili paused. From the outside everything looked normal. He found it hard to imagine something bad was happening to Kili. Looking over at Thorin he could still see a look of scepticism in his uncle's eyes. Clenching his fists Fili marched forward. He didn't care if he was proved wrong. He _wanted_ to be proved wrong. He wanted to walk in and see that Kili was absolutely fine.

But he couldn't shake the feeling that, that wasn't going to happen.

"Fili?"

At his uncle's voice Fili hurried forward. The door was still locked and as he lifted the latch and pushed it open he shivered. When he had left the fire had still been going. Kili had clearly put them all out. Thorin shut the door behind him and moved towards the kitchen whilst Fili hurried towards the bedroom.

"Kili? Kili!"

Knocking on the door he bit his lip. Even when he was met with silence he tried to keep calm. Kili was a deep sleeper and could sleep through an orc attack. Fili doubted he would hear his knocking.

"Kili open the door please?" As he spoke Fili gently pushed against the door. He had expected it to be locked. Meaning when it swung open he stumbled forward – narrowly avoiding falling flat on his face. Brushing himself down he looked up. His heart sank as he saw the empty room.

"Kili!"

Fili shook his head before running to his brother's bed and pulling the blankets away. He knew he'd be faced with an empty bed. But he refused to believe his brother had gone. He even looked _under_ the bed. He checked everywhere. The bathroom they shared, behind the curtain. Even his own bed.

Nothing.

Running a hand through his hair Fili forced himself to remain calm. What if Kili had decided to go to the Durin's day festival? It would explain why he wasn't here. He knew Kili couldn't stay away from a party no matter how ill he felt.

" _FILI!_ "

At his uncle's voice any chance of being calm was thrown out of the window. Racing to the kitchen Fili gaped as he saw Thorin standing by the table. His uncle held a letter in his hands. But he was shaking so much Fili was surprised he hadn't dropped it.

"Thorin?"

Thorin shook his head. Fili had never seen his uncle look so afraid. His gaze fell onto the table. There was a letter at his mother's place and one at his. Kili's was the only blank place. Fili's blood ran cold as he realised that Kili's was the only place that didn't have a plate set out for him. It was as though three people lived in this house, not four.

"Thorin what is it?"

Thorin dropped his letter onto the table as tears fell down his face.

"Read yours Fili."

Fili didn't want to. He knew what that letter would say. But before he could explain that to Thorin his hand had already picked up the letter and opened it.

 _Dear Fili,_

 _I'm so sorry…_

Fili folded the letter and shoved it in his pocket. He didn't want to read any more. He just wanted to find Kili before it was too late. Thorin took his mother's letter and held it close.

"Thorin…Thorin what do we do?"

Thorin shook his head, "I…I don't know. Oh Kili!"

Fili clenched his fists, "We have to find him! We have to stop him before… before it's too late."

Thorin flashed him a glance. Fili had never seen the look in his uncle's eyes before. In two strides Thorin had reached him and was now pushing him from the house.

"I'll find Dwalin, Balin and some of the others. We'll search Ered Luin."

"What about me?" Fili wasn't going to sit by and wait to be told they had found Kili. Or rather his body. Thorin bit his lip.

"Can you think of anywhere he'd go to…?"

Fili nodded. Despite what his brother thought he knew Kili better than most. He knew the one place his brother loved to go more than anywhere else. Gripping Thorin's hand tightly he nodded.

"For the love of Durin hurry up!" Thorin barked. Fili had to stop himself from saluting to this. Nodding he ran from the door and through the streets of Ered Luin. To avoid the masses of people he kept to the back alleys. If he wanted to find Kili in time he couldn't afford any obstructions.

"Please Kili," Fili muttered to himself, "Please just…just don't do it."

* * *

Kili leant against the tree. He sat on the lowest branch of a thick Oak tree. He'd gotten so weak over the past few days he couldn't climb any higher. He hadn't even been able to fight Herrack and Cerrack off. Kili bit down his laugh; the cruel irony of it all. He knew how weak he was and by punishing himself all he did was get weaker and weaker. It didn't matter though. It was still high enough that his feet wouldn't touch the ground when…

He shook his head before chucking his bag on the ground. It rolled a few feet away from the tree. Brushing the last of his tears Kili brought out his notebook. Going to the back he ripped the very last page from it and scribbled on it.

 _Destroy this Fili. It'll make it easier to forget about me._

Slipping the page in his book Kili put it back in his pocket before looking over at the view. Even from here he could see Ered Luin. He could hear the cheers of everyone as they celebrated the New Year. More than anything he wished he could be among them. That everything was fine and he was happy. But he knew that would never happen again. Kili wished his hands weren't shaking so much. He'd been trying not to think about it. If he did then he'd chicken out at the last minute. Instead he thought about everything Herrack and Cerrack had done to him. Finally some good had come from their abuse. Kili shook his head as his shaking hands began tying the rope.

 _ **Yes another cliff-hanger! And i am SO SO SO sorry i'm putting you through this! Don't worry though i promise this story isn't over yet. Got several more chapters and i promise you a happy ending. Let me know what you think xx**_


	6. Save Me

_**Almost 2,000 views! Big thanks to LightningBlue, Picu, Illusion of Maya, KHB123 for following/favouriting. Honestly never thought I'd have this much support so soon!**_

 _ **Firefoxxe – Don't worry. Happy endings I swear.**_

 _ **Celebrisilweth – It's my favourite Hey Monday song and when you read the lyrics it sums up Kili's state perfectly.**_

 _ **KHB123 – Don't worry. Fili is on his way!**_

 _ **EdhelwenOnieta – It isn't I swear!**_

 _ **AN: Okay so I thought I'd update a bit earlier given how I finished the previous chapter. This one DOES have an attempted suicide scene at the start so if you're uncomfortable reading that sort of thing you have been warned xx**_

Save Me

Fili knew he'd collapse if he kept this pace up. His legs were getting heavier with each step and he could barely draw breathe! But he had to find Kili! Until he knew his brother was alright he wasn't going to stop.

"KILI!" He licked his cracked lips, "KILI PLEASE!"

Fili looked around the forest in despair. Kili knew this place back to front whereas he only knew the places his brother had shown him. Kili could be anywhere and Fili knew he didn't have time on his side. He could already be too late.

No. No he wasn't too late. He'd know if Kili was… He'd know.

"KILI! KILI WHERE ARE YOU?"

Only then did Fili wonder why he was shouting. If Kili could hear him he wasn't going to announce his presence. If anything it would make him want to end his life faster. Forcing himself forward he tried to ignore the pain in his chest. When all of this was over he wasn't going to be moving from his bed no matter what was happening.

"Kili." Fili had never felt so powerless. His brother could be minutes away from death and all he could do was call his name out.

His ears pricked up as he heard a horrible choking sound several feet to his left. Narrowing his eyes Fili moved towards the sound. He heard that sound before. Whenever he and Kili went hunting they always brought home rabbits. They made the same sound if their necks got caught up in the snares.

"Kili?" Fili forced his aching legs to move faster. The choking sound was getting louder and as he moved past a thick tree Fili knew he'd never be able to unsee the sight before him

" _NO! KILI!"_

Fili was surprised he didn't collapse at the sight before him. Kili's body thrashed and convulsed hurriedly. Shaking his head Fili sprinted towards his brother. As he got closer he saw the rope Kili had tied around his neck. Tears flowed down his face. The same choking sound came from the back of Kili's throat and Fili knew he had minutes if not seconds. Jumping up his hands grabbed the branch above his head. Fili wrapped his legs around Kili's body in an effort to keep him still. He was glad he couldn't see Kili's face. If he did he'd no doubt throw up. Pulling his sharpest knife from his coat Fili wasted no time in sawing through the rope. It was thick and stubborn.

"Please! Please!"

Fili could barely see through his tears and when he sliced his hand instead of the rope he wasn't surprised. Forcing the pain to the back of his mind he sawed through the rest of the rope. As it snapped Fili had no time to realise he was falling. As he landed on his side pain shot through him and he threw back his head in pain. Blood covered one of his hands and he knew straightaway one of his ankles was broken from having his brother falling on it.

Fili didn't care about any of that. Tearing the rope from Kili's neck he stroked his brother's pale face.

"Come on Kili wake up! Wake up little brother!"

His tears fell onto Kili's lifeless face. Pushing his hair back Fili flinched at the dark purple line around Fili's neck. In some places the rope had rubbed against him so much it had broken the skin and there were small patches of blood on Kili's neck. Pressing a kiss on Kili's forehead Fili nervously pressed his hand against the side of Kili's throat. He didn't know what he would do if he had arrived too late.

"Oh Kili!"

As he felt a faint pulse Fili hugged his brother's body close against him. Kili's head lolled in his lap. Ignoring the screaming pain in his ankle Fili held Kili in his arms and forced himself to his feet. Turning round he began the long and painful journey back to Ered Luin. For Kili's sake he tried to go as fast possible. But the two times he put too much weight on his bad ankle he'd stumble forward. When that happened Fili tightened his hold on Kili. He couldn't let anything happen to his brother now.

* * *

When he reached the gates of Ered Luin Fili could barely walk. His ankle was in so much pain he couldn't feel it anymore. He could have been floating for all he knew. Staggering through the streets he was aware of his fingers bruising Kili's flesh. All around him people were staring in horror at the sight of Fili carrying his lifeless brother in his arms. Ignoring them all Fili shook his head. His legs were starting to give way, he could feel it. He'd never get Kili home by himself. Looking up he saw he was in the main square. It had quietened considerably since he'd last been here and Fili had a feeling Thorin had halted the celebrations in order to find Kili. The tears were still coming although Fili couldn't cry out. All around him people watched on. Several had tears in their own eyes whilst others just looked on as though they were having a nightmare.

Fili sighed. If only this was a nightmare. Taking a step forward he cursed as his ankle finally gave way. Crashing to his knees he held Kili close against his body – shooting glares at the onlookers.

" _Help him!"_ His voice was getting hoarse, _"For the love of Durin help him!"_

Fili didn't even try to get to his feet. His ankle would never take it and Kili was little more than a dead weight in his arms.

"Fili!"

Looking up Fili saw Dwalin running towards him. The dwarf's usually grim face was covered in tears and Fili saw the fear in his eyes.

"Where's Thorin?" Fili could barely talk. Dwalin looked up at the crowd.

"Here was here a minute ago lad. He's…THORIN!"

Fili followed Dwalin's gaze. His uncle roughly pushed several people aside in his need to reach him. As he saw Kili he began shaking his head and Fili bit his lip.

"He's alive. I…it was horrible! He…"

"Not here Fili," Dwalin whispered as he placed a hand on Fili's shoulder. Nodding Fili gripped Kili's body as Dwalin reached for him.

"No! Get away from him!"

"Fili…" Dwalin blinked back the hurt. But Fili shook his head,

"He's my brother! I'll carry him!"

"Ye can barely walk lad!"

Thorin sighed before kneeling down before Fili.

"Let me carry him Fili," he held up a hand as Fili opened his mouth, "Dwalin will help you back. But you can't carry him in this state."

Fili bowed his head, letting Thorin take Kili from his arms. As his brothers weight was taken from him Fili felt ten times lighter. Dwalin gripped him around the waist and pulled him to his feet. Wrapping an arm around the dwarfs shoulder Fili began limping after Thorin. The crowd parted for the small group and Fili kept his face down on the ground. He didn't want to see their pity. Had they been nicer to his brother this would never have happened.

The walk back passed by in a blur. He was aware of someone running to fetch Oin. He barely noticed when they reached their house and both he and Kili were taken to their room. As Dwalin helped him sit on his bed Fili watched as Thorin placed his brother on his bed before leaving the room. Silence fell on the house.

Silence that was soon broken by his mother's scream.

* * *

"Where are they?"

At Oin's voice Fili looked up to see the healer hurry into their room. His gaze faltered as he saw Kili lying as still as death. However he shook his head before moving to Fili. At this Fili shook his head.

"No Oin! No you have to save him! You have to bring him back to me!"

Oin nodded as Thorin rubbed Fili's back. The healer turned back to Kili whilst Fili sat back. Their mother was in her room – having collapsed when Thorin told her what had happened. But for once his mother was the last thing on Fili's mind. He couldn't keep his eyes off Kili. Oin checked him over before examining his neck.

"Aye he's still alive. His neck isn't broken. Just badly bruised."

"Will he wake up?" Thorin gripped Fili's shoulder tightly. Oin shrugged his shoulders.

"I honestly can't say. He could wake up tomorrow, next week or never."

Fili didn't remember how long he cried for. All he was aware of was Thorin rocking him back and forth as though he was a child again.

"He…has to…to wake up!" Fili yelled, "He would…never leave me! I know…he wouldn't! He wouldn't!"

Thorin shushed him as best he could. Oin gave the pair a sad smile before gesturing for Fili to lie down. When Fili refused both Thorin and Dwalin pinned him down. Oin said nothing as he bandaged Fili's hand and set his broken ankle – telling him not to walk on without crutches.

"I'll come back tomorrow and check on ye brother Fili. He'll be fine if I have anything to do with it!"

Fili didn't respond. Instead Thorin shook Oin's hand.

"Thank you Oin. If there's anything that will save him, do it!"

Nodding Oin turned and left. Dwalin patted Thorin on the back before flashing sad looks at both Fili and Kili. As he to left Fili turned onto his side and gazed at Kili.

"He'll be alright Thorin," he nodded, "I know he will."

Thorin didn't reply.

 _ **So that happened. At least Kili's alive. And hopefully the actual attempted suicide scene was okay. Never written one before and I had no idea how to do one. Poor Fili though! Let me know what you think xx**_


	7. I Need You

_**Big thanks to Brianna Kye, Nalbal, brownierocks55, hobbit199 for following/favouriting.**_

 _ **Guest – Glad you're enjoying it.**_

 _ **Celebrisilweth – Happy endings remember?**_

 _ **KHB123 – Don't worry people will be punished. And of course he'll get better.**_

 _ **Firefoxxe – Emotional is the right word I think.**_

 _ **EdhelwenOnieta – That's true.**_

I Need You

Fili leant back in his chair, hissing as he pulled on his ankle. The crutches lay next to Kili's bed and Fili never let go of his brother's hand. Kili had been changed out of his clothes into his night shirt and his hair had been pushed back from his face. Three days had passed and he had shown no sign of waking. The bruises on his face had all but gone. But Fili wasn't bothered about those bruises. It was the one around Kili's neck that he couldn't stop staring at. It was clear it would leave a scar - a permanent reminder of what Kili had tried to do because he was so unhappy. Kissing Kili's hand Fili shook his head. He had failed him. He had failed to protect his little brother.

"I'm so sorry Kili," Fili whispered. His mother was still keeping to her bed and according to Thorin she did nothing but sleep. Getting her to eat was almost impossible. Fili sighed.

"I should have noticed something was wrong. I hope you can forgive me when you wake up. You are going to wake up Kili! You have to wake up!"

He gently shook Kili's hand, "If you can hear me Kee…I don't know, just let me know. Let me know you're alright. Give me something good to tell mother."

Kili didn't respond. Letting go of his hand Fili gently placed it back under the covers. He didn't want his brother getting cold. Reaching over he picked up the stuffed wolf from Kili's bedside table and placed it on the pillow beside his head. When he had been born Kili had been given a stuffed raven to go with Fili's toy lion. But as he grew it became clear a wolf was more suitable for him. So he had both. Fili had no idea where the raven was, but as long as Kili's wolf was looking after him he would sleep easier. Fidgeting in the chair Fili paused as the letter in his pocket rustled. He hadn't yet plucked up the courage to read it. He wasn't sure if he could bring himself to ever read it.

But Kili had taken the time to write what he had believed to be the last thing he would ever give Fili. The least he could do was read it. Kili would want him to read it. Biting his lip Fili pulled out the screwed up letter. Straightening it out he took a deep breath, one hand held the letter and the other gripped his toy lion.

 _Dear Fili,_

 _I am so sorry I could never be the brother you wanted. Weak, afraid, stupid and useless._

 _All I ever wanted was to be like you. From the moment you first held me I saw how much mother and uncle loved you and how proud they were of you. Everything I did I wanted to be able to do it as well as you did. I always knew I'd never be as good as you. But I honestly didn't mind. I told myself I was younger and so obviously you would be better than me. But when I got older I realised I would never be like you. And I hated it. I hated it because I didn't know how else I could get you to love me. How I could be more than just your shadow._

 _I know you hate me. I almost killed our mother. Because of me we were almost left without parents. I never intended to be born so early. If I had a choice I'd have asked not to be born at all. Because I know you'd rather not have a brother at all than have one like me. You might have acted like you loved me, but I knew better than that. I knew you were ashamed of me. If I ever came to you, crying because someone had teased me, I saw the annoyance in your eyes. I bet you were wondering why I kept bugging you all the time. Why I couldn't just fight my own battles. And every day I used to tell myself not to come to you, to stand up for myself. But I was too weak to do it. You were stronger than me. You always have been._

 _And at least I'll finally be able to meet our father properly. I can barely remember him. I'll tell him everything about you Fili. How you look just like him and how you fight with his swords. If he asks about me I'll just say I'm your brother and leave it at that. I don't want him knowing what a disappointment I was to you all._

 _When you read this letter and realise what I've done don't cry. I don't imagine you will anyway. I wouldn't if I was you. You'll probably be happy. And I'm fine with that. If you're happy then it won't have been for nothing. I just want you to know that I always loved you Fili - even if you didn't love me. I know you'll make Thorin proud – you already have so many times. Far more than I could ever hope to. You'll make an amazing king._

 _Your loving brother,_

 _Kili_

 _P.S. I've left you my notebook. I wrote a message in there for you. I'm sorry I yelled at you over it. I know you'd never look in it without my permission. There's nothing in their anyway – it's just more proof that I'm a waste of a life._

Dropping the letter Fili grabbed Kili's coat and began rooting through the pockets. As his fingers brushed against the notebook he found he was shaking so much he almost dropped it. Bringing it out he shook his head, flicking through the pages. As he stared at the drawings Fili couldn't believe it.

Kili was good. In fact he was more than good.

The care and love that had gone into each drawing was unbelievable. At the scattered sketches of himself Fili's mouth fell open. Kili had captured him perfectly. Him, Thorin, mother, Kili himself…everyone and everything! Every so often he'd come across a poem instead of a drawing and each one made his heart break just that little bit more. Kili had been so sad, so unhappy. Tears fell from his nose onto the pages, blurring the ink. Snapping it shut Fili frowned as he saw a scrap of paper sticking out. Pulling it free he could feel the bile rise in his throat as he read it.

 _Destroy this Fili. It'll be easier to forget about me._

Shaking his head Fili clenched his fist around both the letter and the scrap of paper. Forcing himself to his feet he inched forward and lay down beside his brother. Taking Kili's hand in his spare one Fili buried his face in his brothers' arm.

"I love you Kili! I love you so much! You're not a failure, you… everything in this letter is wrong! I could _never_ hate you! I just want you to wake up. Wake up little brother and let me apologise. Please just let me do that Kee. I don't want anything else!"

Kili didn't respond.

* * *

 _Fili stood stock still. His eyes were almost bulging out of his head as he stared in horror at the sight before him._

 _He'd hoped he hadn't been too late. That he had been able to save his brother. His best friend._

" _KILI! KILI PLEASE!"_

 _All of his shouting was useless. Kili's body gave one final twitch before going still. As it swung in the slight breeze that started to build in the air Fili's knees shook and he fell to the floor._

" _KILI!"_

 _He couldn't keep it down. His body shook as he threw up. Once all of his food was in the ground Fili dry heaved until he knew there was nothing left inside of him. Wiping his mouth he forced himself to look back up at his brother._

 _The brother he had promised to care for and protect. The brother he had failed. Shaking his head he felt more bile rise as he saw Kili's face. The colour had been completely drained and as he stared at those sightless eyes Fili clawed at the ground._

" _NO! NO KILI!"_

"KILI!"

Fili sat bolt upright in bed. Sweat poured off his face and he held his hands together to stop them shaking. Licking his lips he looked over at the still form of Kili lying on the bed. Ignoring his crutches Fili got to his feet and limped over to the other side of the room. He had to be sure. He had to be certain he'd arrived in time to save him.

Pressing his fingers to Kili's neck he sank to his knees when he felt a pulse. It was stronger than before but still very weak. Climbing onto Kili's bed Fili wrapped an arm around his brother – pulling him close.

"Please don't leave me Kili. Please don't leave me on my own."

 _ **Aww so many feels (again!). Poor Fili having to read that given what he had just seen. Don't worry next chapter is slightly happier I promise. As ever let me know what you all think xx**_


	8. Mercy

_**Big thanks to IzzyRaven90 and NearlyHeadlessCrane for following/favouriting.**_

 _ **JustAnotherGirl94 – Glad you are enjoying it.**_

 _ **KHB123 – I know what you mean a bit. I think to be honest you can only ever understand how Kili feels if you've ever been in his shoes. But things are going to get better from here on in.**_

 _ **EdhelwenOnieta – Aww I'm so sorry.**_

 _ **Firefoxxe – Don't worry. This chapter has happier – ish times.**_

Mercy

Fili rapped sharply on the door. This afternoon was the first time in just under a week that he had left Kili's side for longer than his short trips to see his mother. But ever since reading Kili's letter he had been determined to find out who had pushed his brother over the edge. After some harmless questions it hadn't taken him long to work out whom the most likely suspects were. Fili scowled as he knocked on the door again. He'd hoped Herrack and Cerrack had left Kili alone. Fili remembered the last time he had seen them tormenting him – he'd hoped his beating had sent them a message.

Clearly not.

As the door opened Fili pushed past the woman who had opened it. Striding through the house he checked each and every single room.

"Where are they?"

Herrack and Cerrack's mother paused, "Fili I don't understand?"

Rounding on her Fili backed her against the wall. Everything he was doing went against his morals. But Kili was still in a coma and if these two had been the cause of it, Fili was going to make sure they suffered.

"I take it you know about my brother?"

She nodded, "Fili I'm so sorry for what happened to him. But I don't see what my sons have to do with it."

Fili searched her eyes. She truly had no idea what those two had done to Kili. Backing away Fili softened his voice,

"I'm sorry for barging in just now. But I think that they might have had something to do with it."

She opened her mouth when a noise alerted Fili to the kitchen. Striding in him froze when he saw both brothers sitting at the table. Fili drew his two axes – ignoring his aching ankle. Herrack raised an eyebrow.

"Fili? Shouldn't you be with your brother?"

At the mention of Kili, Herracks' lip curled. Fili stiffened before storming forward and pulling the dwarf from his chair and pinning him against the wall. He used one axe to pin his tunic and dug the other one into his stomach.

"You DARE mention his name after what you did to him!"

"Get away from him!" Cerrack got to his feet. However Fili drew and knife, turned and threw it at him. It landed close by his neck and Cerrack sat back down. Nodding Fili turned back to Herrack.

"Right now Kili is lying in a coma after trying to hang himself! And he is like that because of you!"

"You have no proof we did anything!" Herrack spat. Fili raised an eyebrow as he took the axe away from his stomach.

"I know what you two are like. I know you've made his life hell in the past." Fili stepped back and removed his other axe. Herrack dropped to his knees and Fili towered over him.

"You'd better hope Kili wakes up. Because if he doesn't I'll see that you're both executed for his murder."

Turning on his heel he stormed from the house as tears began to form again. His body began to shake and halfway home he leant against a wall.

"I'm so sorry Kili. So sorry."

* * *

As he forced his eyes open Kili couldn't help his groan. Everything hurt; his head, his neck, his whole body. Blinking his eyes several times he was aware of a horrified gasp beside him. Someone grabbed his hand, squeezing it tightly. The back of his throat began to tickle.

"Kili? Kili say something?"

That was Fili. Kili shook his head. Why was Fili talking to him? He was dead. He had killed himself.

Hadn't he?

The tickling at the back of his throat got worse Kili let out a spluttering cough. The hand holding his gripped it hard.

"Kili?"

Forcing his eyes open Kili turned to see a tearful Fili sitting by his bed. Kili frowned as he saw his old room start to come into focus. His head sank back and he shut his eyes.

He couldn't even kill himself properly.

Fili couldn't stop smiling. Kili wanted to smile back. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. Looking over he saw Oin and Thorin gaping at him. The healer looked as though he too was about to cry whilst Thorin looked paler than Kili had ever seen him. Swallowing the lump in his throat he looked back at his brother.

"Oh Kili!" Fili moved from his chair onto the bed to lie down next to Kili who gave him a nervous smile. Fili buried his face in his neck.

"I thought…when I saw you…your body…oh Mahal I thought I was watching you die!"

Kili bit his lip. So Fili had saved him. Why? Fili had no reason to save him. As his brother continued sobbing a horrible thought hit Kili. There was only one way Fili could have known what he was up to. Sneaking a glance at the chair where Fili had sat, Kili saw the scrunched up letter lying on top of his notebook.

Fili knew. And Kili had a feeling Thorin knew as well. His uncle frowned at him and Kili wanted the ground to swallow him up. Fili's arms left his neck and at the sudden freedom Kili forced himself into a sitting position.

"Are you alright?" Thorin peered at him. Kili nodded. His throat hurt like hell and when he opened his mouth he could feel how hoarse his voice was.

"I'm ok."

Fili's lip wobbled and Kili took his hand. Oin nodded.

"It seems my work is done," he passed a small bottle over to Thorin.

"Get him to put a sip of this in his drink each night. It will help ease his throat."

Thorin nodded. Oin patted his shoulder,

"I'll let ye give Dis the good news."

As Oin left the room Kili realised his mother wasn't there. He opened his mouth when he saw Fili start to shake again. Kili licked his lips – maybe if would be best if he played innocent for now?

"How long..?" He wasn't sure how to word it. Thorin gave him a grim smile.

"Over a week. We thought we'd lose you a few nights ago – you weren't breathing properly. Took all of Oin's skills to save you."

Nodding Kili lowered his gaze.

"Why did you do this Kili?"

Looking up at his brother Kili sighed. Fili leaned towards him.

"I read your letter…Kili i…Kili how could you think that?"

Thorin gently eased Fili back, "Give him some space Fili. You can talk to him later."

"But?"

"Go and tell your mother her son is awake."

Fili gave a sharp nod before scooting off the bed and hurrying towards the door. Kili pretended not to notice that Fili didn't so much as look at him the whole time. Instead he stared down at his hands. Thorin sighed.

"In case you're wondering your mother never got her letter. I hid it from her. She would only see it if you…if you didn't pull through."

Kili felt himself wilting under Thorin's gaze. His uncle placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm going to let you sleep now Kili. But you will explain why you felt the need for such…measures."

Nodding Kili watched as Thorin kissed his forehead before leaving the room. Lying back down Kili rolled onto his side.

He was such a failure he couldn't even kill himself.

The more he thought about that the more he laughed. He didn't quite know what he was laughing at. There was nothing about this situation that was funny. Wiping his eyes Kili could feel his smile fading. He just wanted to die. That's all he wanted in life and Fili had taken that from him. There had to be a reason for that. Kili couldn't think of one right now. But then his brain was half dead from being in a coma for so long. He curled up into a ball. He could only guess at what Thorin would say to him. How he had been weak and stupid. How he wasn't worthy of the line of Durin. How he didn't deserve his title because a prince doesn't try to kill themselves if things get rough. Kili wouldn't be surprised if Thorin disowned him completely.

He didn't think he'd be able to stand it if that happened to him. Kili bit his lip before pushing up the sleeves of his night shirt. The scars were still there and as he gazed at them a thought hit him.

He just wanted to die.

He had to find another way to do it. A more full proof way.

Sitting up Kili ignored his aching throat. Leaning over he began rooting around in his bedside cabinet.

He only smiled when he pulled out the knife

 _ **Yes I am leaving you on a cliff-hanger yet again! But like I said this story WILL have a happy ending I promise. At least Kili's awake and Fili knows who hurt him. Let me know what you think xxx**_


	9. The Dreaming

_**Big thanks to IsisWard1, Niiroya, TheHobbitMythical, eforrest213, lovingthisbook, whateverdude922, DarkAngel 1863 for following/favouriting.**_

 _ **KHB123 – Don't worry he won't. And you and I know that but sadly Thorin doesn't.**_

 _ **EdhelwenOnieta – Honestly this isn't to try and get you to update any faster I swear….although… ;)**_

 _ **Celebrisilweth – Kili was saying 'ok' in the sense that he is still alive and not how he was feeling with regards to depression.**_

 _ **Isky – Trust me, Thorin will find that out I promise.**_

 _ **Firefoxxe – You would be right.**_

The Dreaming

The fire in Thorin's study had gone out a long time ago. But Thorin hadn't even noticed. His eyes never left Kili's letter to him. He'd lost track of the amount of times he'd re-read it.

" _I wish you would have just snapped my neck the minute I was born. I know you all wanted that to happen. Well now I'm going to do it for you. I'm finally going to do something that makes you proud of me. Something that makes you all happy."_

It was that paragraph Thorin couldn't shake from his mind. He could still remember the night Kili had been born. How at first he hadn't cried. How Thorin thought Fili would lose both his mother and his brother that night. But whilst Oin saved Dis' life Fili had clung to Kili, rubbing him all over to keep him warm.

And then he had cried. Thorin knew he'd never hear another sound like it. A sound that told him his family was going to be alright.

The moment he had first held Kili was forever imprinted in his mind. His nephew was so small Thorin had been terrified of breaking his bones. But then Kili had looked up at him with those wide eyes. His tiny hand had grabbed the tip of one of his braids. Thorin knew from that moment Kili was a fighter. That he would survive the harsh winter they were in.

How could Kili not know how much his uncle loved him? How could he believe his family wished him dead?

Thorin rubbed his forehead. All those times he had assumed Kili was exaggerating his abuse. But it was clear from this letter Kili had hidden most of it from his family. Thorin thought back to Fili. He couldn't imagine what had been going through Fili's mind. To watch his brother try to kill himself..? Thorin's stomach churned at the very thought of it. He couldn't imagine having to watch it.

He was so absorbed in his thoughts he wasn't aware of the moment he fell asleep.

 _Thorin frowned as he saw the two figures in the training hall. One he recognised instantly as his grandfather – in the days before the gold sickness took him. The other was smaller with bright blue eyes and dark hair. Thorin's mouth dropped as he watched his young self, take a battle axe from Thror. He shook his head. He remembered this day. How bad he had felt about himself afterwards for not showing Thror how strong he was. How he felt like a failure compared to Frerin_

" _Now then," Thror placed a hand on Thorin's shoulder, "You remember the moves I taught you?"_

 _Thorin nodded, leaning the axe against his leg. It was a lot heavier than he had first thought. He wasn't sure if he would be able to wield it the same way the other dwarves did. But at the look on his grandfather's face he steeled himself._

 _He could do this._

 _Thror nodded and Thorin gripped the axe in both hands as he took up his stance. His grandfather nodded._

" _Now then. We're going to do a bit of role playing here. I'll be the orc and you'll be…well you. You have to disarm me before killing me. Got it?"_

 _Thorin nodded. His arms were starting to ache from having to hold the axe. Now the moment was here he wasn't sure if he would be able to do this. Holding the axe was hard enough. Swinging it seemed impossible. A part of his brain told him to ask for swords instead. He was good at using those. But then he remembered his grandfather's insistence that he used an axe. He was a prince of Durin. He would use an axe and nothing else._

" _Thorin!" Thror barked. Thorin flinched as he saw the familiar look of disapproval in Thror's eyes._

" _Focus!"_

" _Yes grandfather." Thorin narrowed his eyes. Without any warning Thror charged at him. Thorin dove to the side and tried to swing his axe. As he had thought he didn't have the strength to use it. Instead he stumbled and almost fell flat on his face. Picking himself up he saw his grandfather running at him Thorin tried again. He had to do this. He had to show he was strong enough._

 _But he wasn't. Thror disarmed him with ease before aiming his own axe at Thorin's stomach._

" _Pick up the axe and try again."_

 _Nodding Thorin grabbed the axe. This time he would go on the offensive. Charging at Thror he wondered if he might be able to do it this time. His grandfather certainly hadn't been expecting the attack._

 _But he'd hoped for too much. His arms trembled and he couldn't stop himself as he dropped the axe. His feet were still working and as he fell forward Thorin bit down on his cry. Face planting the ground he sighed. A rough hand grabbed the back of his shirt, pulling him to his feet._

" _Pathetic!" Thror yelled, "If this was a real battle you'd be dead by now!"_

 _Thorin wished he wasn't tearing up at this. He tried to blink back his tears but it was too late. Thror narrowed his eyes._

" _Stop that! You're the line of Durin. Crying is for the weak and feeble."_

 _Thorin gave a small nod. Thror narrowed his eyes._

" _Your king is speaking to you. As such you will show him the proper courtesy and answer him."_

" _Yes grandfather. Thorin muttered. Older Thorin watched as tears welled in his own eyes. Thror shook his head._

" _You aren't even trying Kili!"_

 _Kili? Thorin frowned in confusion. The young dwarfling had his back to him. But when he turned he saw his nephew's young face. Kili couldn't be more than twenty five years old. Looking over at his grandfather Thorin froze as he saw himself standing there instead. Kili reached for the axe._

" _It's too heavy! I can't lift it uncle!"_

" _When Fili was your age he could swing one of these!"_

 _Kili nodded, "Yes uncle. I'll try harder next time."_

 _Thorin shook his head as he watched his reflection getting angrier. He remembered this day to. He hadn't meant to be so angry at Kili. He'd had a long stressful day and he'd just lost control._

" _You're a disappointment to me Kili. I had hoped you would be better than this."_

 _Kili lowered his head and as he saw his shaking shoulders Thorin realised his nephew was crying._

" _I don't see why I have to use an axe? Surely I could just shoot them?"_

" _Shoot them?"_

 _Kili nodded, "I've been practising with my bow every day! Fili says I could take out a whole pack of orcs now!"_

" _You are a prince of the line of Durin! You will not use that elvish weapon Kili! If I hear you mention it again I'll take your bow and break it!"_

 _Kili bit his lip and Thorin scowled at him,_

" _Go to your room Kili. I had thought you would be able to match your brother in skill by this point. Clearly I was wrong."_

 _As Kili turned to go Thorin shot a glare at his reflection. How could he have spoken to Kili like that? He had been angry but..? Thorin shook his head as the figures vanished and darkness claimed him._

Thorin's eyes snapped open and he sat up. The letter was still in his hand.

"Oh Kili! Oh Kili forgive me!"

" _Kili don't you dare!"_

At the voices Thorin frowned. Why was Fili shouting?

" _Kili give me the knife! Just give it to me!"_

" _Leave me alone Fili!"_

Getting to his feet Thorin kissed the letter before putting it in his pocket. This was his entire fault. He had made Kili feel unloved and unwanted. He'd made him feel like he wasn't good enough.

" _Kili for the love of Durin give me the bloody knife!"_

Thorin's footsteps quickened as he left his study and hurried towards Fili and Kili's room. The shouting was getting louder now and he could hear Kili crying. Pushing the door open he froze.

"KILI!"

Kili blinked at him whilst Fili gave him a desperate look. Thorin stared at the sigh before him.

He should never have left Kili alone.

Kili had rolled one of his sleeves up and Thorin saw blood dripping from several cuts on his arm. He pressed the knife against his wrist. Fili inched towards him and Kili backed into a corner.

"Kili I'm begging you!" Fili could barely talk for his tears, "Please just…just give me the knife?"

Kili shook his head, "Stop it Fili. Stop pretending you love me. I know you don't. I know you hate me. I know you all do."

Thorin shook his head. This was his entire fault. Had he made Kili feel loved then none of this would be happening right now. Kili dug the knife in and when beads of blood began to appear Thorin felt sick. Kili licked his lips.

"I just want to die."

He dug the knife in. Fili screamed before lunging himself at his brother. Pinning him to the wall he grappled with Kili who – despite only just coming out of a coma – was putting up a fight. Thorin didn't dare breathe until the knife clattered to the floor. Kili sank to his knees and Fili wrapped his arms around him.

"It's okay Kili. I'm here now brother. I'm here for you."

* * *

Dis sat by Kili's bed, running her fingers through his hair. Her own letter sat on her lap, screwed up and covered in so many tears she couldn't read it any more.

" _Thorin? What's that in your hand?"_

 _Thorin shook his head, trying to hide the letter from view. Dis narrowed her eyes when she saw her name written in Kili's recognisable scrawl. She held out her hand._

" _Thorin hand it over!"_

" _Dis I don't think…I don't want you to be upset."_

" _My son has just tried to kill himself twice! Hand over that letter or I will tear it from your hands!"_

 _Thorin sighed before doing as she asked. Dis's eyes scanned over the page, getting wider every time. She could feel her hands shaking as she clasped the letter to her chest._

" _My baby boy."_

Dis kissed Kili's forehead. Both he and Fili had been heavily sedated by Oin. Kili, so he wouldn't hurt himself and Fili so he could have several hours of sleep without the fear of nightmares.

"Oh Kili," Dis shook her head, "By little raven."

The guilt her son had been carrying around with him his whole life. Thinking he was the one to blame for his early birth. Dis sighed.

"Kili…I don't know if you can hear me. But I want you to know you being born early wasn't your fault. It was mine. Oin told me if I tried to give birth naturally then we would both die. But if I had a caesarean then there was hope. At first I thought I was destined to lose you. But you fought back my love. I held you in my arms. Such a tiny thing with tufts of dark hair. You were so beautiful Kili."

As she spoke she could see Kili's face screw up. He mumble something and Dis shushed him.

"Sleep Kili. Sleep my tiny raven."

 _ **The feels! Honestly I'm not too sure what to say about this chapter. Don't worry though, things start to look up after this I promise. Let me know what you all think xx**_


	10. Tell Me Why

_**Big thanks to Steady fan101 and frostyjak for following/favouriting.**_

 _ **Mikabronxgirl – Aww I'm the same! Especially with stories about these two!**_

 _ **KHB123 – I think he is. But at least things can get better now!**_

 _ **EdhelwenOnieta – Awww**_

 _ **Firefoxxe – Only time will tell.**_

 _ **Celebrisilweth – I agree. But it's a start at the very least**_

 _ **Omg I love this – Glad you like it.**_

Tell Me Why

Fili had never been so angry in his life. Pacing around the training yard he gripped two knives in his hands. Looking up he faced the target. Images of Kili flew through his mind. His brother's body hanging from the tree, his brother threatening to cut his wrists right in front of him.

The first knife hit the target, swiftly followed by the second.

Fili soon lost track of time. Each knife hit the mark as his anger built. He was angry at his brother. Not for trying to kill himself. Not even for feeling the way he felt. But for hiding it. Why had he done that? Kili knew he could tell him anything.

The last knife didn't hit the target. Instead it missed it by a few millimetres and as it fell to the ground Fili could fell the tears coming. He tried to stay standing but the effort was too much. He was glad no one was looking as he fell to his knees.

"Why Kili? Why not just talk to me?"

 _Fili hadn't been expecting to see Kili standing up so soon. And he certainly hadn't been expecting him to have a knife in his hand. Frozen in the doorway Fili watched in horror as his baby brother cut line after line on his arm. Blood poured over his skin and when the smell reached Fili he felt the urge to be sick._

" _Kili?"_

 _His brother let out a small squeal as he looked up. Forcing his almost wooden feet to move Fili gave Kili a small smile._

" _Give me the knife Kili."_

 _Kili shook his head. He looked so scared. Fili opened his mouth when he shut it again. Kili placed the knife against his wrist. Fili shook his head._

" _Kili don't you dare!"_

 _Kili's whole body was shaking. Fili held his hands up before inching closer – noting how Kili backed away._

" _Kili just give me the knife! Give it to me!"_

" _Leave me alone Fili!" Tear streamed down Kili's face. He dug the knife in and Fili almost screamed._

" _For the love of Durin give me the bloody knife!"_

 _He couldn't watch this. Not again_

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Fili held his shivering hands together.

"WHY DID'NT YOU COME TO ME?"

* * *

As he heard his bedroom door open Kili shut his eyes. He knew who it would be and he couldn't believe how much he wanted Fili to go away. He had spent the past two days doing whatever he could to avoid his brother. The last time he had seen Fili; his brother had been going around the room, removing anything that Kili could use to hurt himself. Or at least anything he could find. Shutting his eyes Kili began breathing shallowly – if Fili thought he was asleep then maybe he'd go away. It had worked twice already. But as he heard his brother talking Kili knew it wouldn't be third time lucky.

"Kili I know you're awake."

"Go away Fee." Kili didn't know why he was keeping his eyes shut.

"No I won't go away Kili. Not until you tell me everything." He heard Fili lock their door and Kili sighed. Opening his eyes he turned to see Fili standing against the door with folded arms. He looked so annoyed at him. Kili's lip wobbled and he turned away. He didn't want Fili to him crying. Curling up he was aware of Fili leaving the door to come and sit on the bed.

"Take your shirt off." Fili said. Kili stiffened and he shook his head. Fili sighed.

"Kili just do it."

Sitting up Kili kept his eyes fixed on the floor. His hair fell over his face but he knew Fili was staring at him. With a tiny nod he began struggling out of his tunic. The bruises and broken wrist didn't help matters. But eventually it came off. Fili let out a choked sob and Kili could feel his own tears coming. He was covered in bruises, scars and was borderline anorexic. As Fili gently touched one of the scars on his arm Kili stiffened all over. As his brother moved away he hurriedly pulled his shirt back on.

"Why did you do it?"

Kili shook his head.

"Kili please?" Fili didn't sound annoyed. He sounded desperate. Kili peered over his shoulder. Fili was biting his bottom lip in an effort not to cry.

"Just talk to me little brother. Just talk to me."

Kili slowly turned to look at Fili. Drawing his knees to his chest he leant against the pillows as Fili sat opposite him.

"Kili I don't need to know everything. I just have to know something!" Fili paused,

"How…how many have you got?"

"They're on both sides of my body, my hips my legs and arms."

Kili couldn't understand why he was finding this so easy to say. To Fili of all people! His brother opened his mouth before shutting it again. Tears dripped down his face and Kili couldn't bear it.

"Please don't cry _sannadad_. Don't cry!"

Fili shook his head, "I'm not your _sannadad_. How can I be if I've let this happen?"

"No Fili," Kili shook his head anxiously, "You didn't let this happen. You didn't even know about it."

"Exactly!" Fili spat, "I'm your older brother Kili! I'm supposed to keep you safe and make sure you're alright!"

Kili had no answer for that. This was why he hadn't wanted Fili to know. Because his brother would blame himself. Fili wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

"Why did you do it?"

"You know why Fee."

Fili gave a short nod, "I know people have bullied you Kili. But you were always able to laugh it off before."

"I can't spend my whole life doing that!" Kili snapped. Fili blinked at him and Kili could feel the tears coming. He shook his head.

"I can't keep doing that Fee. I can't keep letting them think it's okay to say what they say. I can't let them think it's okay to hurt me."

Fili nodded, "What else happened Kili. What pushed you over the edge?"

"I…" Kili licked his lips. He didn't want to relive that day. He didn't want Fili to know what had happened to him. As his brother took his hand Kili squeezed it.

"Just take your time Kili. Just take your time."

"They told me I was better off dead." Kili whispered. Fili froze at this and Kili nodded. It was as though that was the catalyst. Within seconds he was telling Fili everything. All the words, the punches. What really happened in the alleyway. Fili gingerly reached out to touch Kili's ears – making sure they were still there.

"I'm going to kill them."

Kili had never seen Fili so white. His brother looked at him in horror. Without saying a word he got up and moved towards his bed. Getting to his feet Kili frowned as Fili began strapping every weapon he owned to his body.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to kill them!" Fili barked, "I'm going to rip them into tiny shreds!"

"Fili no!" Kili threw himself in-front of the door. Fili stared at him open mouthed.

"Kili you…you can't be defending them?"

Kili shook his head, "No I…I…"

The tears were flowing thick and fast now. Fili dropped his weapons and pulled him into a thick hug. As their bodies touched Kili screamed as all the hurt began to pour out of him.

"Everything they said. That you…that we weren't brothers. That you…hated me. That no one…no one wants me."

Fili rubbed his back and Kili found himself being led towards his bed. They both lay down and Kili curled up against Fili who shushed him gently.

"Oh Kili. They couldn't be more wrong if they tried. Take it from me Kee. You're my brother. We share the same mother and father. I was there when you were born. I was the first to hold you after mother."

"It wasn't that," Kili gulped, "That didn't…that didn't hurt as much as…"

"As much as what Kee?" Fili whispered into his ear. Burying his face in Fili's coat Kili took a deep breath.

"When they said you…you hated me. You were ashamed of me. I believed them. I'm not a proper dwarf. I use a bow. I love being…being outside. I'm too skinny and…"

"Kili shut up." Fili tightened his grip and Kili looked up at him.

"I'm far from ashamed of you Kili. Every day I look at you and I thank Mahal that you weren't taken from me when you were born like everyone said you would be. Every time I'm upset I always look for you because I know you'll make me feel better. You make me smile Kili. Every day you make me smile. I don't give one if you use a bow instead of an axe. You're better than any elf according to Thorin."

"He…he said that?" Kili couldn't believe it. Fili nodded.

"He never told you?"

Kili shook his head, "I always thought he was ashamed I used an elves weapon."

Fili sighed, "Listen to me Kili. You trust me don't you?"

"Of course."

"Then trust me when I say how much we all love you. How much I love you. To see you try and…and kill yourself..? Kili please don't do that to me again! I'm begging you!"

Kili gave a small nod, "Are you angry at me?"

"No Kili. I could never be angry. I'm just…I just don't want to lose you. And I'm so sorry I ever made you feel like you weren't good enough. Trust me Kili, you're amazing. You're funny, and kind, and brilliant with a bow. Any orc facing you stands no chance."

Kili said nothing. Fili then squeezed him,

"I…I saw your notebook. Kili it's…"

"Stupid? Pathetic?"

"Amazing? Why did you never tell me you could draw?"

"I…I don't know. I thought you'd laugh."

Fili pressed a kiss on top of his head, "Well you're wrong. I'm so proud of you Kili. And if you ever feel like you aren't good enough then just come and talk to me. No matter what time it is. No matter how small you think the problem is. Tell me. Give me a chance to make it up to you."

Kili said nothing. Instead he allowed Fili to rock him to sleep.

 **Translation**

 **Sannadad** – Perfect brother

 _ **Aww so many brotherly feels! Thorin and Dis will have their moments in the next chapter. I just wanted a special moment between those two so apologies for any tears. Let me know what you think xx**_


	11. I Want To Tell You

_**Big thanks to ARTs Ninja Pal and cathrineoriginal for following/favouriting.**_

 _ **Firefoxxe – The emotions are just going to keep on coming I'm afraid.**_

 _ **Mikabronxgirl – Again more tears to come.**_

 _ **Celebrisilweth – He will…eventually.**_

 _ **EdhelwenOnieta – I've done that. I was with my friends reading a fic (again of my fave princes!) and just burst into tears! So yeah sorry about that.**_

I Want To Tell You

"Kili? Can I come in?"

Kili looked over to see Thorin standing in the doorway. He gave a small shrug and Thorin nodded as he entered. Kili bit his lip. He knew Thorin would want to talk to him. But he didn't want to hear it. He just wanted to be left alone. He didn't look up as Thorin pulled a chair over to his bed before sitting down on it and taking Kili's hand.

"I owe you an apology. Lots of them in fact." Thorin sighed. Kili blinked at this. Thorin never apologised to anyone. Why would he apologise to Kili?

"I never realised how my words, my actions made you feel. I never realised how useless I made you feel."

"Uncle…"

"Kili please? Let me finish?"

Kili nodded and Thorin rubbed his hands, "The night you were born was one of the worst nights of my life. I thought I would lose my sister. And then, when it was clear she would live I thought she would never have a chance to see her new-born son. You were so small, so weak. I felt so helpless, as Fili held you in a vain hope you would wake up. And when you started crying..? I've never been happier in my life. I knew from then on that you were a fighter."

Thorin sighed, "I love you Kili. And I haven't shown that to you. For that I am eternally sorry. I never realised that I was making you feel this way. I just assumed you would talk to me if anything was wrong. I didn't realise how scary I could be."

Kili sighed, "Uncle just stop it. I know why you're doing this."

Thorin frowned and Kili forced himself to look him in the eye.

"I almost died. And now you choose to tell me that you love me! Are you trying to trick me? Make me feel better so I won't shame the family again."

"Never!" Thorin growled, "Kili I…you have never brought shame on this family! You are loved, and wanted by us all. When you first used a bow I was proud of you. I know I never showed it but I truly was. Because it made you happy. And that's honestly all I ever wanted for you Kili. I just wanted you to be happy. I didn't care how that happened."

He gently stroked Kili's face, "I know you won't believe me. I'm not expecting you to. Not after all you've been through. All I ask is that you give us a chance to show you how wrong you were. How wrong we all were to make you feel this way. Please?"

Kili licked his lips before giving a small nod. Thorin sighed,

"Now then, is there anything you want to tell me? Anything at all?"

Kili bit his lip. Thorin wasn't exactly known for being sensitive. He gave a short nod.

"I always feel so useless. Like I'm just a waste. Every minute I just want my life to be over! And I don't even know why half the time!"

Thorin moved from the chair to sit by Kili who leant against him. Rubbing his nephews back Thorin kissed him on the forehead.

"Oh Kili! Honestly? I don't know what to say to you. You aren't useless. You can fight, you're smart and you're one of the kindest people I know. You're young. Of course you'll feel like you have no purpose. I was the same at your age. You just have to remember you have a family that loves you. A brother who's worst nightmare is to lose you."

Kili lowered his head, "Why is it easier to believe the bad things people say about me?"

Thorin frowned at this and Kili continued.

"I found it so easy to believe the insults people threw my way. But when Fili told me how great I was…I couldn't bring myself to believe him. Why?"

Thorin shook his head. His nephew had questions he didn't know the answers to. And that thought alone broke him. Instead he hugged Kili tightly.

"I can't say Kili. What I can say is that it hurts us to think you don't believe how loved you are. All I can do is hope that – in time – you'll realise that it's true."

Kili nodded. Thorin squeezed him tightly before getting to his feet and moving towards the door. He was just about to leave when Kili licked his lips.

"Thorin?"

"Yes Kili?"

"I'm sorry for scaring you before. When I…you know."

Thorin shook his head, "it's okay Kili. It's okay."

* * *

If Kili thought taking to Thorin was going to be hard, he was completely unprepared for when his mother came in. Dis was incredibly pale and Kili noticed how she kept reaching out to touch him – trying to reassure herself that he was still there.

"Oh my darling boy!" Pulling him close she held him tightly. The way she had done when he was younger. Burying his face in his mother's chest Kili burst into tears. Ever since talking to Fili he had assumed he had no tears left. That he had used them all up. But as his mother pressed her lips to his forehead he realised that wasn't true.

"My darling Kili!" His mother tightened her hold and Kili bit his lip. He didn't know how to explain it to her. He didn't really want to explain. Easing back his mother pushed his hair from his face.

"Oh Kili. Forgive me! Had I known about this..?"

Kili shook his head, "I'm sorry for scaring you Mother. I just…I was so unhappy and I felt so worthless…"

His mother placed a finger to his lips, "I don't wish to hear it. Not now. Right now all I care is that you're still alive. That I have a chance to be a better mother to you."

Kili shook his head. None of this was his mothers fault. He gripped her hand tightly.

Mother please! Don't blame yourself!"

"I'm your mother! Of course I'll blame myself! It's my job to look after you until the day I die."

Kili didn't bother arguing. He knew just how stubborn his mother could be. He knew she'd always blame herself for this. He sighed. If anything was going to make him feel guiltier then it would be this. His mother kissed his firmly on the cheek.

"I love you Kili. Always remember that."

Getting up she took a deep breath before moving from the room. Kili sighed to himself as he sat back. His family seemed to assume his problems would all be solved by a few kind words. That he would suddenly feel better about himself if he was told how much he was loved. Kili shook his head.

They didn't know anything.

 _ **Okay so slightly shorter update here with a bit of therapy for poor Kili. Apologies for any tears that have come but the next chapter isn't going to be much better I'm afraid. Also quick poll here (again) but i wondered what you guys thought of Durincest. Because i had a couple of one shot/ three - four chapter story ideas but i'm really unsure about them and i just wondered what your opinions were. Let me know what you all think xx**_


	12. How Does It Feel?

_**Big thanks to MeaghanA, silverniinja, Rootatoottoot, aquablue15, cougar10fh and Ceatha-chan for following/favouriting.**_

 _ **Mikabronxgirl – I did want to write more but I couldn't get it work.**_

 _ **VampireBabyGirl – Yeah I've got an idea for a Durincest story during the quest so might see how it goes.**_

 _ **KHB123 – I was never going to add it to this story. Yes this chapter has a lot of feels.**_

 _ **EdhelwenOnieta – I'M SORRY! And aww.**_

 _ **Celebrisilweth – Yeah true. And no I like this story as it is but I was thinking of doing it for a separate story.**_

 _ **Guest – Again I wasn't talking about adding it in this story.**_

 _ **Rootatoottoot – Glad you enjoy it. And don't worry he will soon. And yeah I chose song titles.**_

 _ **Guest – See that's what I think about their bond. And yeah it's something I've always wanted to try so I think I might.**_

 _ **Guest – It was never going to be a part of this story but I had an idea for another story and just wondered how people would react given how controversial it is.**_

How Does It Feel?

Kili scowled as he got up and saw Fili doing the same. This had been happening a lot recently. Everywhere he went Fili would go with him. It wasn't like in the old days though. Fili went _everywhere_ with him. Kili shook his head. He knew what his brother was thinking. That he would try and slit his wrists when people weren't looking. That he would cut himself in the bathroom and then carry on like everything was normal.

Kili couldn't blame Fili for feeling like that. If this had been his brother who had almost killed himself Kili wouldn't have let him out of his sight. And he _was_ still self - harming. Far less than before, but everyone seemed be acting like things had just fixed themselves overnight. They didn't understand how complex it all was.

It was more Fili's questions that annoyed Kili. It was always, "where are you going?", "how long will you be?" Kili didn't know how much more he could take of it.

"Kili where are you going?"

Kili rolled his eyes as he stood in the doorway. Fili was pulling his coat on and Kili rolled his eyes.

"I was just going for a walk around Ered Luin Fili. There's nothing wrong with that."

"I never said there was," Fili grabbed his sword and several knives. Kili bit his lip. Wondering how best to tell his brother he didn't need him to walk him everywhere like he was a dwarfling again – without hurting Fili's feelings of course.

"Fili…you don't have to come you know. I'll only be gone for an hour or so. I just want some fresh air."

As he spoke Kili reached up and traced the scar around his neck. You could only see if it if you looked close. His hair hid most of it and in the winter he could hide it with scarves. Fili shook his head.

"I don't care. I'm coming with you."

"I'm not a child you know." Kili bit his lip. Fili raised an eyebrow.

"Last time I checked I'm your older brother. If I say I'm coming then I'm coming." Fili gave him a slight smile. But Kili could still see the worry in his eyes. He shook his head.

"Fili I don't need an escort! Can you not just leave me alone for five minutes?"

He hadn't meant to yell. He knew Fili was trying to look out for him. He shook his head but Fili was already talking.

"I know that Kili. And the day I know I'll be able to let you go off alone without worrying if I'll be carrying your body back is the day I'll leave you alone. But until then…"

"I'm not going to try and kill myself again!" Kili snapped, "Even if I wanted to I couldn't. You and Thorin have taken pretty much everything away from me. You even took my bow! How could I kill myself with my bow?"

"Do you?"

Kili froze. Fili's eyes were filled with tears,

"Do you want to? Kili yourself I mean."

Kili paused, "I don't know Fili." He wasn't lying. He truly didn't know anymore. Fili's body began to shake. As he chucked his sword on the bed Kili frowned. He had never seen his brother like this before and it scared him.

"Fili..?"

"You have no idea do you?" Fili shook his head as tears began rolling down his face.

"I'm sorry Kili. I will always be there for you. I will do whatever I can for you until I die. But you need to understand that you aren't the only one struggling to cope with all of this!"

Kili opened his mouth as Fili pushed past him. As his brother left their room Kili could feel his legs trembling. Sitting down on the bed he could feel the tears falling.

He hadn't meant to upset Fili. He hadn't meant to upset him.

He was the worst brother in the whole of Middle Earth.

Kili's hand shook as he reached under his pillow and pulled the knife out. Rolling up one of his sleeve he shut his eyes. As he ran the knife along his arm over and over again he bit his lip to avoid crying out.

He had thought he was strong enough to beat this.

He was wrong.

Dropping the knife back under the pillow Kili looked down at his blood soaked arm.

"Kili I'm sorry for just now I..?"

At Fili's voice Kili hurriedly rolled down his sleeve. As his brother came over Kili lowered his head. Fili grabbed his wrist.

"Kili what happened?"

"Nothing I…"

Fili gripped his wrist before pushing his sleeve up.

"Oh Kili."

Looking up Kili saw the tears in Fili's eyes. Tears and disappointment. He scowled and Fili shook his head.

"How could you Kee? I thought you'd stopped this."

"Shut up!" Kili spat, "Just, shut up! You have no idea Fili! You think I _want_ to cut myself? You think I enjoy feeling the way I feel? I am trying so hard to get better. To make everyone happy. But it's not something that can be fixed overnight Fili! And it's so hard and I feel like I'm doing this alone because I can't talk to you about it! Everyone acts as though I asked for this. Well I didn't ask to feel like a freak!"

Fili said nothing. Instead he helped Kili to his feet, kissed his forehead before leading him to bathroom to clean himself up.

* * *

When they got back Kili could see his brother was still trembling. He bit his lip.

"I'm sorry for shouting at you Fee. I didn't mean to upset you."

Fili sighed and looked him square in the face.

"I just keep remembering that day. You were…Kili I've seen many things. And I'll see plenty more. But _nothing_ will haunt me more than watching you try and hang yourself!"

Kili reached out to try and give his brother a hug. But instead Fili backed away. His legs gave way and he fell to his knees.

"You're body was convulsing! Twitching! I knew you were seconds from death Kili. And in that moment I knew that if you died then I'd put the rope around my own neck. Because I would have killed my baby brother! I'd have killed him!"

Crashing by Fili's shaking form Kili wrapped his arms and his brother and held him close. Tears were running down his own face.

"Fili I didn't mean to shout at you just now. I'm just…I'm a mess right now. My brain tells me a thousand things, you, mother and Thorin tell me another thousand things and my instincts just like to pile more stuff on! I don't know what to believe any more and I just want it all to stop."

Fili hugged him back, "Please forgive me Kili. Everything I've done to you! Please just forgive me!"

Kili looked at his brother, wiping the tears from his face.

"You've done nothing Fili! None of this was your fault! You were the only person who made me feel the slightest bit happy. If you hadn't been here…I'd have been dead a long time ago."

Fili gulped and Kili rubbed his back. Fili nodded.

"This is why I've been following you. I'm terrified that the next time I say goodbye…it'll also be the last time. That someone will come and tell me my little brother has killed himself. I don't want to lose you Kili. I've already lost my father and I almost lost my mother. Please don't make me lose you as well!"

Kili was stunned beyond all belief. He had never realised how much he had meant to Fili. He had always assumed his brother was ashamed of him. Fili held his face in his hands.

"Everything you put in that letter…none of that was true! I have never hated you and I have never been ashamed of you! When you used to come to me because you were being bullied…I wasn't annoyed at you. I was annoyed because people didn't look past your appearance to see what a kind and warm hearted person you were."

Kili lowered his head, "I…I didn't know…"

Fili nodded, "I know Kili. I'm sorry I never made it clear what you meant to me."

Kili said nothing as Fili pulled him to his feet. Together they sat down on Fili's bed. Kili noticed Fili still seemed nervous of touching him - as though he would somehow cause his brother pain if he brushed against a scar. He shook his head and leant against Fili.

"Thank you."

"What for?" Fili seemed almost startled that Kili would thank him for something. Kili sniffed.

"You saved my life remember?"

Fili smiled briefly before grabbing Kili's hand.

"What do I do now?"

"What do you mean?"

Fili blinked back his tears, "I mean how do I become a good brother? What do I do to make it up to you?"

Kili gripped Fili's hand, "The exact same thing you've always done Fili."

 _ **So yet again we have more Durin feels! I also wanted to get Fili's feelings in there as well as I know that dealing with someone who self - harms can often be just as hard. Let me know what you all think xx**_


	13. Come So Far

_**EdhelwenOnieta – Awesome!**_

 _ **Celebrisilweth – Really wanted to show how Fili was feeling as well.**_

 _ **KHB123 – I just want to hug them both so much!**_

 _ **Mikabronxgirl – Yeah I know what you mean.**_

Come So Far

 _Three weeks later_

Kili smiled to himself as he stuffed his pack with food. Behind him he could hear Fili doing the same thing and he smiled some more. He couldn't remember the last time he had been this happy. Of course he had his bad days. It had been just over a month since he had almost killed himself. He couldn't expect thing to be perfect straightaway. But things certainly were better. At least now he could talk to Fili if he felt upset – something he found himself doing every other day.

"Kili are you sure you've got enough food?"

Kili looked down at his pack. His supplies were almost spilling out of it. Fili shook his head before removing it and putting it in his own. Slinging the bag over his shoulders Kili grabbed his bow.

"I honestly can't believe mother is letting me go out. Into the forest of all places!"

Fili nodded, "Trust me Kili. I spent at least half of yesterday convincing her to let you go. We have to be back in a few hours though. And I'm not to let you out of my sight at all times. And I have a feeling she means _all_ times!"

Kili laughed at this. As he did so Fili's own smile widened and he drew Kili close.

"I've missed that laugh Kee. You've no idea how good it is to hear it again."

Blushing Kili found he was unsure of what to say. He was still struggling to come to terms with the fact that he had been wrong about his family. That they all loved him and that they wanted him. Shaking his head he rearranged his clasp before following Fili out of the door. As he did so Kili could feel his legs faltering. He tightened his grip on Fili's hand to try and pull him back.

"Kili?" Fili placed a comforting hand on his shoulders, "Kili what is it?"

"I…I don't know." Kili shook his head. He couldn't explain his sudden fear. It wasn't like anything was going to happen to him. Fili was here, he would protect him. But Kili couldn't move. Fili had told him about having to carry his body through the streets. He didn't think he could cope with people staring at him.

"I…Fili I don't think I can do this."

Fili gave him a soft smile, "What are you scared of?"

"People looking at me. Pointing at me and whispering behind my back."

Fili shook his head, "No they won't Kili. They'll be happy that you're alright. That you're safe."

Kili gave a small nod, clinging to Fili who squeezed his hand.

"Come on Kili."

The pair of them walked through the streets towards the main stables. Just as Fili had said, no one stared at Kili. Instead they smiled warmly at him and several came up to ask how he was and if he was alright. Kili answered them as best he could, all the while clinging to his brother. He kept thinking Fili hated it. But as he looked over he saw Fili holding him just as tightly.

"Are you okay Fili?"

"Hmm?" Fili blinked at the question and Kili nodded.

"Well you've been fussing over me so much. How are you? I mean…I have you been coping with it all?"

Fili sighed, "I haven't had any more nightmares. But I still keep worrying every time I see you."

Kili bit his lip. He'd never even thought about how Fili would be affected by all of this. He'd always assumed Fili wouldn't care. Now that he knew he had been wrong, guilt was eating up inside of him for hurting his family like this. Fili let go of his hand and smiled at him.

"Are you okay to wait here whilst I get the ponies?"

Kili nodded, leaning against the wall. Fili gave him a final nod before hurrying towards the huge stables. Kili pushed his hair from his eyes.

"Kili!"

At Cerrack's voice Kili began to shake. He should have known this would happen. He shouldn't have come outside today. He couldn't face them. Not now. Not when he was doing so well. Looking up he watched as the two brothers backed him against the wall. Herrack pushed his hair away – revealing the scar around his neck. Herrack gave him a shove.

"Only you would fail to kill yourself properly. I suppose you wanted the attention?"

"Shut up you little git!" Clenching his fists Kili did everything he could not to look around for Fili. Cerrack backed him against the wall and as Kili looked down he saw Herrack bring out a coil of rope. The brothers nodded at each other and Cerrack smiled.

"Maybe we should help him out? I mean if he wants to die it's only fair we give him a hand."

Kili shook his head before trying to sidestep the pair. Herrack lunged forward, blocking his path.

"Not here of course. We should take him to the forest. That way no one will be able to stop him."

Before Kili could say anything Herrack grabbed him by his hair and pushed him to his knees. Kili struggled but he was still too weak to fight off both of them. Not that he didn't try. Herrack pushed him down but Kili wriggled in his grip and landed several of his own punches. Within seconds the three of them were brawling in the street like dwarflings.

"KILI!"

All Kili saw was a blonde dwarf dive into the fight. As Fili took out Herrack Kili could see other dwarves running towards him. With one final kick at Cerrack he got to his feet and ran off.

He couldn't do this. He thought he could, but he had been wrong.

* * *

Getting to his feet Fili looked up to see Dwalin and Gloin running over. Both Herrack and Cerrack were still on the floor. Sliding his clasp back into his hair Fili looked around for Kili. As he saw his brothers pack the worry began to build in his chest. Kili had been doing so well and these two had no doubt sent him back to square one again.

"Fili what happened?" Gloin eyed his torn clothes whilst Dwalin dragged the brothers to their feet. Fili wiped his face.

"They were attacking Kili. They've been attacking him for two years!"

"What?" Dwalin's eyes narrowed and Fili sighed.

"They are the reason he tried to kill himself."

Dwalin had never looked angrier. He gripped the brothers harshly.

"Go find ye brother. I'll take these two to see Thorin."

Fili gave Dwalin a grateful smile as he and Gloin shoved the protesting Herrack and Cerrack away. Reaching down he grabbed Kili's pack.

"Kee?"

He knew his brother couldn't have gone far. But Fili couldn't stop himself from panicking. He couldn't lose Kili. Not now. Hurrying through the streets that led back to the house his worry only got worse as he saw everyone _but_ Kili.

"Kili!"

Almost as soon as he had given up Fili turned a corner to see his brother curled up against the wall. Kili's face was covered in tears and as he knelt beside him Fili saw how much Kili was shaking.

"It's okay Kee. They've gone. Dwalin's taking them to see Thorin."

Kili gave a short nod, "It was horrible. They said they would help me."

"Help you?"

Kili hiccupped, "They even had some rope. They were going to take me to the forest…"

Fili wrapped his arms around Kili and held him close. Even though he was doing everything he could to stay calm for Kili's sake, he couldn't stop shaking. The thought that someone would want to help Kili end his own life..? It made him sick. Kili gripped his coat and Fili kissed his forehead.

"Can we go home Fili?" Kili sounded like a child again.

"I just want to go home."

Pulling him to his feet, Fili nodded, "Of course Kili. Whatever you want."

* * *

Thorin let out a low growl as he faced Herrack and Cerrack. After what Dwalin had told him he was ready to execute the brothers straightaway. They had almost been responsible for what Kili had tried to do. They didn't deserve to live. But given that Kili was still alive meant Thorin had no choice but to play by his own rules. He couldn't execute them. But that didn't mean they wouldn't be punished.

"What you did lacks any kind of honour and nobility. Had Kili died then you would already be waiting for your execution. However, his recovery has allowed you a more lenient punishment."

Thorin sat down in his chair and sighed.

"You are to shave off your own beards before leaving Ered Luin. Forever."

Both brothers went white at the news. Thorin nodded.

"I will not permit you entrance into _any_ dwarvish kingdom ruled by me or my kin. You have until tonight to leave. Should you still be here, or should you try to return I will have you standing on a scaffold faster than you can blink. Get out of my sight."

As the brothers shut the door behind them Thorin sat back in his chair. He knew this should have been done long before now. Maybe if it had, things would have been a lot different.

 _ **Those two sons of bitches! But at least Kili has Fili to help him through this. And Thorin finally did something to help Kili's problem! Next chapter is the last in this story and I honestly can't believe how well this has taken off. Let me know what you think xx**_


	14. I'll Be Okay

_**Big thanks to shadewatcher for following/favouriting.**_

 _ **Firefoxxe – Indeed it has!**_

 _ **KHB123 – Don't worry. Kili will be fine from now on I promise.**_

 _ **Celebrisilweth – I know!**_ _ **But at least things are looking up now.**_

 _ **Shadewatcher – I imagine it will make his day.**_

 _ **EdhelwenOnieta – It's at times like this I can't help but like Thorin.**_

I'll Be Okay

Kili drew his knees against his chest as he stared at the fire. His mother, Thorin and Fili had gone to bed long ago. Kili had tried to get to sleep but somehow he just couldn't do it. He just couldn't settle down. He wasn't having nightmares – sleep just didn't seem to want to come to him. Kili wrapped a thick blanket around him as he chucked a few more logs onto the fire. He remembered the first time he'd tried to walk and had almost fallen into the fire in the kitchen. His brother had grabbed him seconds before he'd burnt himself.

Kili wiped his eyes. Fili had always been there for him no matter what. He couldn't remember a time when Fili wasn't at his side.

"Kili?"

Kili looked over his shoulder to see Fili standing beside him. His brothers' hair was a mess and he blinked his eyes before sitting down beside him.

"Kili you should get some sleep."

Kili nodded, "I know…I just can't."

He rubbed his arms as he spoke. Most of his scars had faded but there were some that would always be there. Fili put an arm around his shoulders.

"How are you feeling?"

Kili nodded, "I'm good. A lot better than a few weeks ago certainly."

He wasn't lying. After trying to forget about his encounter with Herrack and Cerrack, Kili had been ready to go hunting again the next day and had found himself enjoying a day out with Fili. Or course they had forgotten about their mothers curfew. When they stumbled through the door she had been all ready to punish them. But one look at Kili's smiling face meant any punishment was forgotten about. She just wanted to see him happy. Kili smiled at his brother.

"I'm surprised you did join the others in watching Herrack and Cerrack…leave."

Fili shook his head, "I couldn't. I knew if I saw them I'd want to kill them for what they almost did to you. Why didn't you go? I'd have thought you would have loved it?"

Kili shook his head, "I couldn't. I just want to forget it all happened."

Fili nodded and slowly withdrew his hand. As he did so Kili caught sight of something in his brothers other palm.

"Fili? What's that in your hand?"

Fili bit his lip before hiding his hand behind his back. Kili frowned as Fili began to blush.

"C'mon Fili what is it?"

"It's nothing," Fili shook his head as he drew his hand back out. Kili's eyes widened as he saw an envelope with his name on it. Fili handed it over wordlessly.

"I was going to leave it by your bed. But you might as well have it now."

"What does it say?" Kili's fingers struggled to break the seal. Fili chuckled.

"If you'd wait five minutes you can read it for yourself."

Tossing the envelope on the floor Kili's eyes hurriedly scanned the letter. Even in the low light he could clearly make out each word in Fili's large writing. Tears began pooling in his eyes.

 _Dear Kili,_

 _My brother. My wonderful little brother._

 _I know the past few years have been hard for you. It wasn't until recently that I realised just how much you had been suffering. And every time I think about it, it breaks my heart._

 _But what's worse is the fact that you suffered alone. That I wasn't there to help you. If I had been maybe things would have turned out differently. And I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you Kee. I love you so much and the very idea of failing you kills me._

 _I've no idea how best to tell you any of this. I know you probably won't even believe me. But I figured that, if you have this, then you have something to hold onto if things get bad again._

 _You aren't weak. You aren't stupid and you aren't useless. You're stronger than so many people. To be able to fight back everything you have is amazing Kili. I don't blame you for your own birth. I know you never asked to be born that way. You think that I wanted a certain type of brother? You're wrong. I just want my own brother. The one who can make me smile no matter what's happened. The one who doesn't care if he uses a bow because he knows how amazing he is with it. The one who loves me as much as I love him._

 _When our father died, you were all I had Kili. Without you I would have been so lonely and miserable. You didn't even know it at the time but your birth saved me. It made me smile again. It made me have hope. So thank you for that. I know he'd be proud of you Kili. You're just like him according to mother. Cheeky, impatient and reckless._

 _I wanted to apologise for how I made you feel. I never intended for you to feel like you couldn't be as good as me. I always assumed you were happy because you never made me think otherwise. Maybe I should have tried harder. When I fought of those bullies I should have done more to make sure you were okay. I'm sorry I didn't do any of that. If you were able to forgive me it would mean the world. All I want is for you to be happy Kili. I want you to be happy and to know just how special you are. You're kind, funny, intelligent, stubborn, and reckless and the best shot I've ever seen! You're amazing Kili. Don't let anybody make you think you're anything less._

 _Forever, your loving brother,_

 _Fili._

Kili gently folded up the letter as though it was the most precious thing in the world. Looking up he saw Fili gazing at him, tears in his own eyes. Kili wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in his chest while Fili soothed him gently.

"I love you Fee."

Fili hugged him tightly, "I love you to Kee."

"Thank you. Not just for the letter but for everything. For always being there for me, for helping defend me…for saving my life. For everything."

Fili beamed at him, "I'm your brother Kili. It's the least I can do for you."

Kili nodded as tiredness began to creep up on him. Fili nudged him.

"Sleepy?"

Kili shook his head but already he could feel his eyes closing. Stretching out on the carpet he pulled the blanket over his body.

"Think I'll sleep down here tonight."

Fili said nothing. Instead he lay down beside Kili and pulled his own blanket over him.

"Do you remember when we were younger, how we'd build our own fort right here?"

Kili nodded eagerly and Fili smiled, "We'd spend hours playing. Just you and me and our stuffed animals."

Kili sighed, "Sometimes I wish I could go back to that time. When I was younger. Everything was simpler."

Fili nodded, "I know what you mean Kili."

"We wouldn't fit in that fort now would we?"

Fili shook his head, "No Kili. We wouldn't fit in _that_ fort."

* * *

By lunchtime the next day both Dis and Thorin couldn't help but be worried. Both Fili and Kili still hadn't come from their room. Dis knew what her sons were like, the second they smelt food nothing would stop them. But even frying bacon hadn't roused them. Giving Thorin a worried glance she got to her feet and hurried towards the bedroom door.

"Fili? Kili darling?"

No answer. Dis gently turned the handle and pushed the door open. Both she and Thorin stood in the doorway in amazement. A huge fort had been built in the room. The furniture had been moved around; blankets and cushions had been heaped together. Shaking her head Dis silently lifted the blanket celling of the fortress with a smile.

Kili and Fili lay there. Each was clutching their stuffed toy against their chest with a huge blanket covering them. Fili was snoring gently whilst Kili mumbled something. Thorin took Dis' hand and she smiled.

"Just like their father. Always a dwarfling at heart."

Thorin nodded, "They look so peaceful. So happy."

"I pray it stays that way for a long time." Dis mumbled. Thorin gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.

"I believe it will sister. I believe it will."

"Mother?" Fili's eyes opened and he looked up. Dis' smile widened as Kili did the same. He gave her a mock frown.

"What are you doing in our fort?"

Dis backed away, "Apologies. I merely wondered if you two were actually going to grace us with your presence this morning."

Fili rubbed his eyes while Kili licked his lips.

"What's for lunch?"

 _Yes_ Dis thought, _everything's going to be fine._

 _ **Aww so that's it everyone! Kili's fine and things can only go up from here. Really blown away by the response to this story. Was worried that the whole self-harm and suicide thing would be off putting but thanks for showing me how wrong I was xx**_


End file.
